HOUSE ARREST: THE FUNNIEST MOVIE LEGALLY ON YOUTUBE

HOUSE ARREST: THE FUNNIEST MOVIE LEGALLY ON YOUTUBE


♫ I said that’s life ♫ That’s life ♫ That’s what all the people say ♫ Woke up this morning
walked into the hallway ♫ Saw that my lights were cut off ♫ Went to the bathroom as to wash my body ♫ Found out so was my water ♫ Got dressed and went outside
someone stole my ride ♫ Ain’t this about a bi– ♫ Now I could see the powers that be ♫ Really got it in for me ♫ That’s life ♫ Yeah I hear ya but I don’t feel ya ♫ In no way or shape or form ♫ I needs me some paper ♫ Needs me some bread ♫ Ain’t no sense in sittin’
and rubbing my head ♫ I’m on the verge of losing my nerves ♫ Stressin’ and so confused ♫ I’m hustlin’ but damn
ain’t enough coming in ♫ Suck it up is what I gotta do ♫ They say that’s life ♫ That’s what they told me ♫ But I ain’t gonna settle for that ♫ ‘Cause I know where
I’m supposed to be yeah ♫ That’s life ♫ That’s what they told me ♫ But I ain’t gonna settle for that ♫ ‘Cause I know where
I’m supposed to be yeah ♫ More money more problems ♫ Nope I don’t think so ♫ No disrespect to Big ♫ But no money no problems ♫ Sometimes money solve them ♫ At least the way I’m gonna live – Tell me dude, what we doing
stopping this guy anyway? – Time for some pay back. – We’ve arrested him six times already,
for petty stuff and you’re still going after him. Don’t we have better fish to fry? – No. – What’d he do, put to Tabasco sauce
in burrito and make your mouth burn? Or pulled your pants down
in front of the girls? I don’t understand,
what the hell did he do? – You’re a funny dude, aren’t you? This dude pulled a prank on me, man,
when I was a senior in high school. It’s time for some pay back. I got caught, trapped in the locker room, girls bathroom, at that. – Wait, high school? Isn’t he like six years younger than you? Are you stupid or something? – Man, I has a learning disability, shit. – You call being lazy
a learning disability? How the hell did you become a cop anyway? (chuckles)
– I cheated just like your ass did. – What’s up boy? Yeah, I got the hook up dude. I got the grandmas going wild. – Hey partner, there he goes right there. – Let’s get his ass, got him. (door closes) – Hey man, let me holla at you,
real quick. Stop right there, stop. Put the backpack down. – I’m gonna put it right there.
– You moving slow. – Hey man, get the–
– Turn around. – What’s going on, man?
– Put your hands on the titties, now. – What?
– Put your hands up on the titties, now. – Just look straight ahead,
don’t say anything. – Hey man, why y’all keep
fucking with me, man? – [Partner] Keep your hands
on the titty and be quiet. – Hey, you relax. – Hey man, get your hands off me,
I didn’t do nothing. – What’s this, what’s this? – You need to relax.
– You know what this is, right? – This damn, fucking Miami– – This ain’t go be the last time
we catch your ass. – You fake Crockett and Tubbs,
Miami Vice looking motherfu– – Hey, I got him, partner,
I got him partner. – Why I’m king, nigga. Do you have any weapons on you? – No, I don’t have no weapons.
– Look straight ahead. – That’s my dick, get your hands off it. – Oh, shit.
– Check the phone, partner. – What the– – Uh-huh, got your ass again.
– Uh-huh, nothing. – I’m a upstanding citizen
within the community. – Okay, upstanding my ass. – Watch your head.
– Come on, man. – Get your butt in there.
– You old curly head motherfucker. – I need a lawyer.
– Shut up. – I need a lawyer. – I know you been here four days
and you ain’t washed your ass one time. You smell. – I ain’t taking no shower. – When you gonna wash your ass, kid? – Leave me alone, please. – No, I ain’t gonna leave you alone,
we in a four by four. Once that ass is washed, then me and you gonna
have a good time, see. Look at this, come on. – Officer.
– Yeah, call him. – Officer.
– Yeah, yeah. – Won’t you go take a shower
and come back– – Man, I ain’t taking no shower. I don’t go that way, man.
– But I do. – I don’t care, I don’t go that way. Man, put that away, man. – Why?
– What you got your shirt open for? – We can have fun.
– No. – This bed’s big enough
for the both of us. – Man, that bed ain’t even
big enough for you. – Yeah but, I’m gonna be on top of you. – [Bailiff] Jones.
– [Dialo] Officer. – DA office wanna see you. – What they wanna see me for? – I don’t know, my job is
to make sure you seen. (laughs) – Enjoy your cold shower, punk. – Don’t get too excited,
you might be coming back. – Yeah, don’t get too excited
and wash his ass. – The kid. – [Jones] You wanna see me sir? – Have a seat son. What’s he doing here? – Who, here, Green? He’s here for a special proposal
we’d like to offer you. – [Jones] No offense, I don’t do
deals with the devil. – Sit down son, sit down son,
give us a second. If you haven’t noticed,
you got a 300 pound devil back in your cell waiting for you. We heard you were a handy man. – Yeah, I’m almost finished
my trade program, why? – Tell him about our offer. – Alright, this is the deal, Jones. I’m gonna give you a second chance
to right your ship. There’s a house that needs to be rehabbed. – Wait a minute, y’all gonna let me
out of jail to fix up a house? – No, what I will do is release you
on house arrest. And what I will allow you to do,
do all the work that needs to be done, all the repair, up until your release day. – And do I get paid?
(chuckles) – Paid? You getting free room and board. – I get that here. I won’t have to do a lick of work. – Yeah, but you’ve got a 300 pound
cell mate waiting for you. If you stay here, you might
have to do a whole lot of licking. (laughs) – Listen, this ain’t a bad deal
for you man. I seen your sheet. and you’re in a whole
mess of shit. – Let’s face it Jones, you’re not meant
for the rougher side of incarceration. It’s a good deal for you. – Where’s this house? – [Officer] It’s in Watts.
– Watts, man hell no! That’s where all
the gang bangers hang out. – True, true, true. But it’s on a nice block. – Besides, you follow the rules, you don’t leave the house, you won’t get into any trouble. – What do you think, Mr. Jones? – I think y’all crazy. But I’ll do it. – Good decision. – Won’t you pack up your things and we’ll have a ride take you
over to the site. Guard. (upbeat reggae music) ♫ Start a revolution ♫ We have to start a revolution ♫ Start a revolution ♫ I’m not talking about war ♫ We need a new solution ♫ Start a revolution ♫ We have to start a revolution – Welcome home. – That’s it? That’s the house? The warden said I gotta fix up a house, not tear one down and build a new one. – Hey, just say the word and I can always
give you a ride back to the big house. (door creaks) ♫ You hustling hard but you just can’t win ♫ You tired of the shit
that you’re living in ♫ People are dying in the street – Well, here it is,
our little fixer upper. – Damn! Is that the roof leaking? What if it rains? – Well, you know what they say, ♫ It never rains in Southern California Look here, your work orders. 30 days from today, this house
must be finished or again, it’s a first class trip
back to the love shack. – Man, I ain’t no master carpenter. How am I supposed to fix
everything in this house? – Look man, get a Lego set and practice,
I don’t know. All I know is, in 30 days, this house better look like
the kingdom of heaven. Or Yoda will be waiting for you in hell. – You know what, Green,
you a sick fuck, you know that? Damn. – 30 days Dialo,
do or die. – Green, come on. – Come on, man, stop begging
and start working. – Mama? Mama? Grandma, will you get up
and go in the house? I don’t know how you think you sunbathing
with all your clothes on. – [Buzby] How you doin’ Ms. Jackson? – Hey, Buzby, I’m fine, how are you? – Oh, I’m doing fine now ma’am,
doing just fine. (door closes)
(car engine starts) You little fine, black, Nina Simone, you. Coke bottle shaped, oh, I love it,
yes, I love it. Close your mouth chump. What you looking at,
that’s my lady right there. – Man, keep it moving you old bum. – What you say?
(punches) – Mother–
(loud beep) (laughs)
– [Buzby] What you gonna do now? What you gonna do now, boy? Can’t come out the yard
can you boy? I see that thing right there
on your ankle, I see. Come do something!
(dog barks) – I’mma get you old bum, watch,
I’mma get you. (dog barks)
(cell phone rings) Hello? – [Green] Didn’t I tell you that
you couldn’t leave the yard? – I had to, some homeless bum
attacked me. Had to defend myself. – [Green] That’s your problem. That’s why you’re always in trouble,
you never follow directions. Now if the yard again,
you going back to the big house. (line disconnects) (slow piano music) – Damn. Hey, Miss Lady? (slow piano music) Hello, hello, hello. – Hello, I’m Jessica White. So you must be that new neighbor
we were warned about. – Yeah, that’s me. Dialo Jones. Didn’t know I’d warrant
a neighborhood warning but I’ll be here for bit. Look, if you need anything.
(tires screech) – Whoa, this is your monitoring device? They have put some serious
technology into this. Micro GPS tracking system
with military grade components. Track you if you’re on a move. – Look, I’m not a violent criminal. You don’t have nothing to worry about. – No, I’m not,
I like bad boys. It’s badder the better, for me. – Is that right?
– Indeed. – But I’m off the market
for the next two weeks though. It’s like my ritual cleansing time
after a breakup. But after that you could do something
dangerous and give me a call. – Will do. Will do. Hey, I didn’t get your phone number. (groans) (birds twitter) Give it up, jailbird. You ain’t got a chance
with all that in there. Do you even got a cell phone, anything? – Man, kick rocks, you old bum. – Old bum? I’m more man than you are. You ain’t even man enough
to get with that woman up in there. – What, she your girl too? – Hell to the naw,
Buzby don’t eat no white meat. I stick with them sisters, like the one
across the street over there. – You need to stick to a bar of soap. – Boy, this bottled by Henderson,
what you know about that? You know what, you better be glad
I don’t come up in there and give you this Crenshaw death grip. – Man, you all talk, get out here,
push that cart out of here. – Okay, I’mma get out. I’mma exercise all my civil rights
and go on all the way across the street. Can you do it? (upbeat music) – Mama, please answer your phone. Please bring me some food. Tuffy, man, where you at? Answer your phone,
bring me some food, man. (mutters) Pookie better answer the phone. Pookie… man, where…damn. I’m over here, brother
over here starving. (upbeat music) ♫ You’re so fly ♫ I just can’t let you walk on by ♫ It’s not just your body ♫ But I’m loving the way you smile ♫ Please what’s your name girl ♫ Two-step your way on into my life – This can’t be it. It look like some crack house. Halle Berry losing Isaiah in there? It don’t make no sense. – Yo homie. Turn that shit down. – Uh, can you tell me where–
– Yo! – Hey, what’s up?
– Yo! (grunts)
(laughs) – What’s up man?
– What’s up with you dude? – ‘Bout time you got here. – Man, I thought you had life. It’s good to see you made it out
in one piece, man. It’s a beautiful thing, dog. So what you been up to, man? – It’s good to see you too. It would’ve been better
to see you yesterday. Where the hell you been? – Man, I told you I was in Vegas. I hit up the crap table,
I got 300 more in the car. – Man you look like you
hit up the strip club. Man, that ain’t nothing
but a bunch of ones. – Hey, I started off 50 dollars, now I have 465 dollars. – Enough with that foolishness. I need you to go to the grocery store
and get me some food. – You know I got coming,
come check out what I got, dog. – What you got? – That’s it, this as far
as you can go? – That’s it. – Damn, technology’s a bitch. So what exactly are the rules
to this house arrest thing? – No drugs, no women,
no overnight guests. And I gotta fix up this house. – Damn, can you at least
jack off in the house? – Man, give me this food. You brought me all snacks,
I need real food. – [Pookie] Man, those kids in Africa
ain’t complaining about no type of snack. – [Dialo] Look, I can’t let you
sleep over here. – [Pookie] Come on man, 20 minutes
a little power nap and I’m off to my old lady’s crib. – I don’t have any furniture.
– What? – Damn. How bad was jail that you volunteered
to live in a crack house? – [Dialo] Man, you could always
power nap in your car. – Nah, I’ve been sleeping in my car
for the past five days. (sirens wail) (dog barks) (snores) (mid-tempo hip hop music) Man, what time is?
– Man, it’s 12 o’clock. – Shit, I gotta get out of here,
mom’s is gonna kill me, dog. (door closes) (crashes) – Earthquake! (dog barks) – Earthquake, earthquake. Hey, what the hell
are y’all doing here? – Get that light outta my face, sucker. – What the hell are you two
midgets doing here? – Name’s Rosco, bitch. – What, damn,
I must be dreaming. But in my dreams, dudes that
talk shit to me like 6’9″. Y’all like 3’11”. Two little motherfuckers
together like 5’6″. Man, what the hell are y’all doing here? – Won’t you stop fucking around, bitch. – I ain’t never heard a midget
swearing like that. – Little people, bitch.
– Huh? – The correct terminology
is called little people. – What? (slaps)
– Stupid bitch. (grunts) (groans)
(dog barks) (birds twitter) – Will you stop that?
– He probably had it coming. – He’ll be fine, let’s go. – Grandma, will you stop? – What’s going on? – From the look of that shiner,
you got knocked the fuck out. – Grandma! – I always wanted to say that. – [Ms. Jackson] Hey.
(birds twitter) Are you okay? I mean, what happened? – Who cares, don’t you
have to be to work? – Grandma. – All I remember is these two midgets and they came from under–
– Midgets? – You a real punk bitch.
– Grandma, will you please! – He not in no house arrest,
he under protective custody. I tell you what, if the boys in cell block
D get a whiff of that story, he’ll be doing laundry and hot oil
massages, night and day. – Grandma, go to the house. I’m sorry. Are you sure you’re gonna be okay? – Yeah, I’mma be fine. – ‘Cause I really have to
get going to work. – Alright.
– Okay. (jazzy music) (hums)
(laughs) ♫ Since I been drinking ♫ All my life been sinkin’ ♫ But it’s alright with me ♫ Vodka it’s so love lovely (boings) (upbeat hip hop music) – Oh snap. If I get this bad boy to work,
it’s on and popping. (laughs) ♫ I said that’s life ♫ That’s life ♫ That’s what all the people say ♫ Woke this morning
walked into the hallway ♫ Saw that my lights were cut off ♫ Went to the bathroom as to wash my body ♫ Found out so was my water ♫ Got dressed and went outside
someone stole my ride ♫ Ain’t this about a bi– ♫ Now I can see the powers that be ♫ Really got in for me (chiming ice cream truck music) Yo homeboy, homeboy, let me get to chili Fritos, a soda
and a bomb pop. Oh yeah, you gonna have to
bring it to me ’cause I can’t leave the yard. (chuckles) – What, this ain’t Domino’s
I don’t deliver. – Come on, Ese,
help a brother out. – Ese, and say my nuts in your mouth,
I ain’t no Mexican. I’m so sick of you black people. Not every Latino is a fucking Ese,
you chili Fritos. Oh, I’m sorry sweetheart,
how can I help you? – [Grandma] Yes, I’d like
a bomb pop, please. – Sure. – Excuse me ma’am,
ma’am, excuse me? I appreciate you helping me
this morning. Do me a favor, and get me
something off the ice cream truck? I’ll buy your ice cream. – I don’t accept gifts from strangers. – I ain’t no stranger,
I’m your neighbor. – No thanks, and you’re
definitely a stranger. – [Dialo] What you got against me? – I know your type. Now, my granddaughter
may be fooled by your liberal ways, but I’m
too old school for that. Besides, I’ll be a fool to ignore
the official warnings of police. – Huh?
– Nothing. – Look, I’ll give you five dollars if you get me something
off the ice cream truck. – Okay, what do you want? – [Dialo] Two chili Fritos and a soda. – Where my five dollars?
– [Dialo] Take it out the change. – No, I’ll bring your change back,
you give me my five dollars first. – Damn. – Gotta hit these busy streets, Ese,
what the homeboy want? – He don’t want nothing,
you can go. – What, hey, lady! Come back here with my money! Where you going? (chiming music) Ese? Bring back my money.
(engine starts) Hey, where you going? Damn! – [Radio DJ] Peace, this is Ada Lifah
from K-Soul coming back at you again. – Back up, no, get off me.
(helicopter blades whir) Get off me, back up. Thank god you here. If you got any humanity,
you’ll get me out of here. – Out of where, fool,
you sitting on my porch. (helicopter blades whir) – Right. – Man, I don’t know how a soft ass
dude like you made it in the big house that one week. Oh yeah, that’s right,
you didn’t wash your ass. – Say what you want,
that shit worked. – Look, I came up here to make
sure you weren’t slacking and of course, your slacking. Obviously, you don’t know
the value of hard work. – Man, I been busting my ass
in that yard, all day. – Yeah, I’m sure if I bought Yoda up here, he’d be busting your ass all day. – Funny. Hey man, I don’t if I heard a noise
coming from under the house, when I came outside,
it was two big ass dudes running with two loaded backs. – What? (police sirens blare) Damn.
(breathes heavily) What were you doing that you
couldn’t hear theives taking every piece of copper
plumbing in this house? – Why would somebody wanna take
the plumbing from this old house? – Copper is a precious metal
these days, you idiot. I cannot believe that the house
was stripped of all its plumbing and you wake up just in time
to see the thieves running off. – Look, I’m maintenance,
not security. – You are maintenance, security,
dish washer. If I bring a baby up in here,
you’d be changing diapers. Now, that’s the deal. You don’t like it, say the word and I can take you right back to county, I’m sure your friends
would love to see you. – What I’m supposed to do,
how I’m gonna sleep? – You don’t sleep! You never sleep, Dialo. This is your chance to save only,
not only your own ass, but gain some kind of sense
of responsibility. Stop blowing off your life. Dammit, you’re a grown as man,
start acting like it. Now, I know you don’t do plumbing, so I’ll have a guy up in the next
couple of days or so. – What I’m supposed to do
about a shower? – I’mma unload this truck,
I got some materials for you. Get you working nice and proper. – Whoa. ♫ Loving you ♫ Is the only thing I know to do – It’s like putting sugar on Froot Loops, it’s too much sweetness. (dogs bark) – I ain’t say nothing. – Yeah, well you ain’t got to worry about none of that sweetness over there, ’cause house rules say, no non-related
females on the premises. – What’s the point of that anyway? I ain’t no sex offender. – Point of that… Is straight hate. See, I drank a whole glass of hater-ade
before I wrote that one down. No punanny for you. You unload that truck, while I help
this young lady with her groceries. Hey, hey there young lady,
let me help you with those bags. – I’m fine, thank you, I got it. – Wouldn’t want you breaking a nail. – I’m sure, I’m fine. – I’m sorry I didn’t properly
introduce myself, My name is Officer Green,
but you should call me Trevor. – Nice to meet you, Rihanna Jackson, you can call me Ms. Jackson. – Oh, Ms. Jackson, huh? Oh, I get it. That’s because I’m nasty, right? – No, it’s because you barely know me. – Oh.
(chuckles) You know what, let me
give you my card, in case you wanna give me a call ’cause I’m right across the street there. – That won’t be necessary, but thank you.
(chuckles) (laughs)
Hey man, just keep unloading the truck. – So, what’s his story? – Oh, don’t worry about him,
he’s harmless. He’s on a little work release program, he’ll be gone before you know it. Now, as for me, you know I own
that house over there. It’s the third house up on– – You know what, I really
gotta get going. I gotta get dinner on the table, but it was really meeting you, okay. – Yeah, well like I said,
I can’t talk right now, I gotta get him started on this truck. But it’s nice meeting you, alright. You take care. (laughs) – Player, player! Wait a minute, hold on,
what they call here? Fumble!
(laughs) – Hey, that went fine, I was just
planting seeds, that’s all. That’s the problem with you young cats,
you don’t know how to set the game. – Instead of setting the game up,
you need to step your game up. (laughs) – Just unload the truck.
(bangs truck) (upbeat music) – Hello, neighbor. I am Senor Hermanez.
– Dialo Jones. – Welcome to the neighborhood.
– [Dialo] Thank you. – How long you here for?
– Not long. – Here young man, a gift. Please, don’t rob me,
I have nothing. I’m just a poor legal immigrant. – This is all I have.
– Don’t worry, don’t worry. – I promise you, there’s nothing
in the house. You break in there,
it’ll be just practice. Nothing there. – Look, I’m not gonna
break into your house. – Promise?
– Promise, damn. Green done turned everybody
in this neighborhood against me. – Adios. – Adios, asshole. – [Radio DJ] Brothers out there
on house arrest, you better get in. So I can get out. – [Woman] Dialo? – [Radio DJ] Cruising down Crenshaw,
Slaus and Figueroa. Be careful out there.
– [Woman] Dialo Jones? (snores)
Dialo Marquis Jones. – What, Lisa Simmons? What you doing here?
– [Lisa] I need to talk with you. – Talk with me about what,
it’s been like 20 years? – [Lisa] No, it’s been more like seven. That’s what I need to talk
with you about. – Talk with me about what,
your disappearing act? – [Lisa] No, I wanna talk with you
about why I disappeared. – It doesn’t even matter,
it was like 20 years ago. – [Lisa] Believe me it matters.
– Not to me. – It was like a teenage thing,
you know what I’m saying. It wasn’t even serious. – That’s your problem,
nothing’s ever serious. We may have been teenagers
but we were doing some adult things. (chuckles) – I can’t believe you still
act like this. You are still a child.
– Got that right. – You are still a kid.
(upbeat music) You know, I’d hoped you’d been ready
for this, but I can’t wait no longer. (laughs) The reason why I disappeared
is because I was pregnant. – What? – Pregnant with your child.
– My child? – Nah, I always use protection. – Read the label, protection
doesn’t always work. – So you waited seven years
to tell me that? – Look, my dad gave me
one option. Leave California, move down south
with my aunt and finish high school there. – So what, they don’t have
phones down south? Mailboxes? There was no way for you to get
in contact with me and tell me? – I was sent there to have an abortion. Luckily for me, my aunt
was a recently saved woman and she wasn’t about to
help me abort my child. – So what the hell I gotta do
with anything? – I kept the baby a secret
from my entire family. I didn’t tell anyone. – I don’t know, that story seem
a bit foul to me. – And I can understand,
I understand your point. And in some ways, I feel
very guilty about the circumstances. I’mma do my best to make it up to you. – So you 100% sure? There’s no doubt? – Yeah, nothing is 100%.
(sighs) Here are your medical
consent forms, alright. The nurse is gonna be
by here tomorrow to draw your blood. – Is this about child support? ‘Cause I’m not signing these papers.
(sighs) – Yeah, this is about me wanting to take
a piece of your millions of dollars. (footsteps recede) (organ music) (banging) – So yeah, got your food right here. – Cousin, man you a life saver. – You know you my favorite cousin. Gotta look out for my loved ones. – Man, Ms. Jackson Chinese Food, make the best damn eggrolls
in the world. (sirens wail) – What’s up with your TV? – Nothing, that’s it. – You can’t hook your ankle bracelet
up to it or something and get some satellite cable
up in this bitch? – You can’t get your braces from third
grade so we can watch TV from the future? – You know that’s not funny,
’cause you biting off my jokes. – [Dialo] I’m just saying man,
seeing you with all that head gear and all it’s funny man. – Alright, that’s why forgot what
it’s like to walk on concrete. – Your mama.
– Alright. – You know not to get started with me. – This world is a crazy place. – You alright?
– I’m fine. – No, no, no, you don’t just go
from cracking jokes, one minute to the world is coming to an end. What’s up, man? – Lisa Simmons came by here today. – [Pookie] Old crooked eye Lisa? – Man, she ain’t got no
damn crooked eye. – You know the whole school
called her sideways just ’cause the way
she combed her hair. What crooked eye Lisa wanted? – She said we got a kid together.
– What? – Man, I would’ve never thought
you’d have a kid before me. This calls for a celebration. – No man, we’re not celebrating. That kid ain’t mine. I always wore Jimmy Jim Jim. – Man, condoms ain’t fool proof. How old is the kid anyway? – Seven.
– Seven. – Yep, that’s your kid.
– What? – Seven years ago was 10th grade. And the only people checking out
Lisa in 10th grade, was you and Special Ed Ed. I’m just saying, Special Ed Ed
wasn’t smart enough to find homeroom. He sure ain’t smart enough
to find a coochie. – Man, what you doing? You know I can’t smoke
weed in here. – Nigga this ain’t weed.
– What is it? – This is botanical perfection. It relaxes your body and sets your
mind free to be creative though. (mid-tempo electronic music) ♫ My name Pookie, the cousin
of this man right here ♫ And we be smoking ♫ Getting higher than the Goodyear blimp ♫ I ain’t a sip I don’t trip ♫ I be floatin’ yes sir I’m smokin’ ♫ ‘Cause right across the way ♫ Yeah yeah I be strokin’ ♫ She love my kush cologne ♫ It really turns her on ♫ All because this ish is the bomb (upbeat electronic music) (coughs) (laughs) – Look at this fool. Can’t even handle his own weed. (snores) (crickets chirp) – I know how we can
mess with this fool. – And how’s that? – Go in there and steal
all his doorknobs. – You crazy, let’s do it.
– Come on. (dog barks) – What should we do? Should we keep it quiet,
or should we merk this fool. – No, let’s be quiet, we don’t wanna
wake up the girlfriend up in here. (slaps) – Go on, Yoda, before I tell my mama. (slaps) – Who you calling Yoda?
– What the fuck? (grunts) – You got me last time,
you ain’t gonna get me again. (grunts) (blows)
(thuds) – Come on Roscoe, let’s go
get these doorknobs, man. – Alright, Lil’ Bit. (mid-tempo music) (rooster crows) – [Radio DJ] Good moring, L.A.,
and thank you for always waking up with KSOL, K-Sol. I’m your DJ, J-Love and here’s the new one from Karl Henry,
it’s called You’re Fine. And we are fine L.A.,
we know that, black people. So Daddy start the car,
Mama, get the eggs on and kids, make sure
you brush your teeth. – Good morning.
– [Ms. Jackson] Good morning. – [Radio DJ] It’s seven o’clock,
about 72 degrees. – Damn, you just made my day
and it’s still early. – [Ms. Jackson] It is early,
why are you up? – Well you know what they say, early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise. – They do say that, don’t they? – But you a woman,
so what you doing up early? – My boss, the man wakes up
at the crack of dawn, so if I don’t leave now,
I never catch up with him. And I’ll tell you, them white folks,
they be about they money. – Yeah, well I work
for a black man from Compton. – Is that right, damn, I’d have
never known that. – Quite a few people
in the industry know. Rihanna Jackson.
– Dialo Jones. – Welcome to the neighborhood,
Mr. Jones. – Oh, my bad, my bad. – No problem, you have
a nice day, alright? – You too. You too. – [Radio DJ] And we’re back,
this is J-Love at KSOL and you now what this music
means y’all, it’s 8:04 So you have to be there by eight,
then you late, you late, you late. That’s right y’all. Coming back at 8:15
after the next cut. – Excuse me, sir? You are Dialo Jones?
– Yeah, that’s me. – I’m Tom, I replace your copper piping. – Cool. Yo, brother ain’t have a drink
in like two days. – Here you go. (gurgles) – Ahh. You know what Tom,
you alright with me, man. – Holy moley, look over there. – [Dialo] Yeah, she bad. – She’s more than bad,
she’s super bad. – Tom, I think I’m offended by that. – Don’t take personal. I’m TV baby and Good Times,
my all time favorite show. – Is that right? – Wasai, she’s hot,
I must have her. – Pfft, that ain’t gonna happen. She’s into bad boys. – I can be bad. – I’m talking ’bout gorilla pimp, bad. – Let me break her off with some
of this Black Caesar 2007. (electronic music) ‘Sup trick?
– Excuse me? – [Tom] What’s your name, trick?
– What? – Your name, what your name is? Or you prefer me to give you name? – Jessica.
– Too late sister. – Your name’s Shaniqua. I’m feeling that name like I’m feeling
every thing about your pretty ass. (slaps) – My arm?
– What you want it back? – Please.
– Pfft, not a problem. – Go on biatch. ♫ You drive me crazy girl
and you gotta to know – What the fuck was that? – That’s gorilla pimping 101 baby,
what you know about that? – Man, listen, I ain’t trying
to catch no rape charge. Keep that gorilla pimping 101 shit
away from this house. – Hey, it’s cool cuz. – Man, it ain’t cool, you gonna fuck around
and catch a rape charge. – It’s cool man, I’m telling you. I put that plumber’s grip on her,
she’s feeling it. – Plumber’s grip, man,
what are you talking about? – It’s that super firm grip you get
from laying pipe all day. – Listen the only pipe you gonna be laying
is the pipe under that damn house. – It’s cool, I’m telling you. – Listen, come on.
(sighs) Get your stuff, I’m gonna
show you where to go. (slow bluesy music) ♫ As if I’m telling you something – Man, what happened to all the doorknobs? – The midgets came back. Did you see two midgets
in the house last night? – No, I didn’t and you really should
call them little people. – Man, I’m tripping. I could’ve sworn there was
two midgets came in the house last night and they stole
the doorknobs. – What, why would they go
through all the trouble? – I don’t know, they stole
the copper piping. Maybe there’s a market
out there for doorknobs. – Man, this weed got you tripping. – Man, you the one that passed out
after the video last night. – Video, video, video,
what video? – Damn, maybe I am tripping. But that still don’t explain what happened
to the damn doorknobs. – That’s it, I ain’t giving you
no more weed. Besides, you a daddy now. You better be on your
best behavior. (chuckles) – Why you all hung up
on this kid thing? Why you ain’t got no babies. – I don’t know. I think my gun filled with blanks. (upbeat hip hop music) – Hear that? That’s my brother and his
band of misfits. (doors close) – Que pasa, hermano? (speaks in Spanish) – What, y’all know this fool black, right? El taco, blacko. – Stop playing, homes,
they know the deal. – You not fooling nobody. – What, a black man
can’t speak Spanish? – You’re not speaking Spanish,
you’re speaking like Mexican. – You Dialo, it’s been a minute, OG. Tommy been keeping up posted
about your time in the big house. – Well, it was jail but it was
only a couple days. – You should know, me and homies
always have made love and respect for you. – Do I know you? – Yeah, homes, it’s me,
little Juan. – Little chess playing Juan? Damn, you got big. – Yeah, OG, I hit a growth spurt. You know I be pushing them weights. – Look like you been pushing them weights
a quarter pounder at a time. (laughs) – Yo, I got some groceries for you.
– I already brought him food. – Man, you brought some snacks
and some take-out. Hopefully, big mama will give me
some real food. – She still mad at you, homes. – What’s this? You claiming colors now? – No gang, homes, just us. – You sound stupid. Give me your rags. Give me your rag, Juan.
– Huh? – You speak English,
give me your rag. Don’t make me go penitentiary
on your big ass. Y’all straight buggin’ man. These gangs is real. Y’all a bunch of spoiled
little kids. Y’all ain’t go not business banging. – You banging.
– I ain’t banging. – I definitely ain’t claiming no colors. Is that what you told them? Enough of this bullshit. Look, take my food in the house. And y’all go with him. You sure turned into
Heathcliff Huxtable in this bitch. – Man, I just got out of jail. I don’t want my little brother
going up in there. – Yep, that’s the parental skills
kicking in. – Look, I’m just looking out
for my little brother, alright? – Whatever. Hold all that. My goodness, who is she? – That’s Ms. White, that’s my
next door neighbor. – Lord have mercy, that is quite
a bumper on that chassis. – What you say? – What I meant to say is, I’mma stick
my chocolate in a peanut butter… – Hey, Dialo, where’s your friend?
– I’m right here, baby. – Not you, silly.
– He’s working under the house. – He’s crazy huh?
– Little bit, yeah. – Well, why would you do crazy,
(kisses) when you can do cool? – Brother, I don’t do cool. – What?
– Calm down. – What you mean calm down,
I don’t get turned down. – You gonna make me
go back to jail. – Man, I don’t care. – Okay, bitches.
(mid-tempo hip hop music) Okay, bitches, get on ground. – [Tom] Get on ground.
– I gotta see it. (punches) (laughs)
– [Tom] Get on ground. – Tom, what the fuck is going on man? – These silly suckers tried robbing me. – [Juan] No we didn’t–
– Shut the fuck up, tall guy. – Cool down dude, I’m sure
it’s a misunderstanding. – You have bandage at your house? – I believe so. – I need you tend my hand. You take care of these fools. I have business to take care of. Over here, hand cramp. – [Dialo] Get off the ground. – Hold on, hold on, before y’all do…
(laughs) You got knocked the fuck out
by Mr. Miagi boy. (laughs) Dog, that was fun. – Don’t huh me, Ese,
where this gun come from? I know that damn plumber ain’t have it. – It was all of ours. – All of y’alls? – Hold on, hold on, hold on. One, two, tres, quatro. So that’s four gang bangers
and only one gun? (laughs)
That’s comedy, I’m outta here. I done seen it all now,
I’m gone. – Can’t believe this shit. Y’all get the hell outta here. I’mma take a couple days
and calm down and when I do,
I’mma call you. And you better be here
in 60 minutes or that’s your ass. – [Tuffy] Alright man. – Hey, so who’s Mr. Hong Kong? And how the hell he run off
with my woman? – He’s the plumber.
– The plumber? – What? – Man, my brother tripping, man. – I ain’t go deny all that. (mid-tempo music) – I don’t know what’s going on. I’m very concerned, a bunch of young
thugs just left the house and I’m almost certain they left
him with a gun. There sitting on the front yard. Yeah. He’s with his tall funny looking friend. In the front yard
and they have a gun. (mid-tempo music) What about to Dialo? Isn’t this gonna be enough
to take him back to jail? Anything else you need from me? Okay, thank you. (slow rhythmic music) – What’s wrong with you man? – Man, I can’t believe my brother. – Yeah, he’s young though,
he’ll wise up. – Man, they messing up big time. – What are you talking about stupid? – I’m talking about,
I’m his bigger brother. It’s my responsibility to make sure
he don’t make these type of mistakes. – I mean, come on dog, you can’t be
everywhere all the time. – That’s the problem. I’m never there all the time. Let’s face it, man,
I’m not a good role model. – Don’t be so hard on yourself. – Look, I need you to do
something for me. I need you to get rid
of this gun for me. Take it. – Alright man, I’ll get rid of it. – [Jessica] Out, get your punk ass
out of here. – Damn.
(laughs) – Get him. – Get out!
– Hold on, I can explain. – Follow you, poser. – Looky here, bitch. – What?
(thuds) Next time you wanna play gangster,
be ready to play for real. – Hey, I’m going down there, dog. (whip cracks) (laughs) – Damn. – I am not even gonna say.
(laughs) – You alright? – Yeah, I’m cool, brother. Man, that chick crazy. She had closet full of sex toys. I was not prepared. – I guess there was no part two
to Black Caesar, huh? Ran out of lines, didn’t you? – Just couldn’t do it, man. – You okay to drive? Huh? – I’m Black Caesar. Ain’t no two-bit whore, going to
knock me off my game. – Alright. – Hey.
(thuds) Hey what was that all about, dog? – I don’t know. That Jessica White,
is a wild chick. – That’s right on my alley,
I need to go holla. – Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She been through enough
aggravation, okay? Leave her alone. – You don’t understand. I’m that bad boy she looking for. I’ll rip the skin right off her back
just to hit it raw. – Whatever, come on.
– Man. – Yo, come on man. – Man. (chuckles) – Whoo shit, I’m tired. Come on outside, boy. I’m passing your house again,
what you gonna do about it? There he go, there he go.
(footsteps recede) Done lost my shoe. Can’t believe I farted that loud,
I thought that boy was chasing me. He ain’t nowhere to be found
out in these streets. Come on out, boy. What you gonna do
with old Buzby, what you gonna do? (overlapping chatter) – Get in the car, man. What you taking a paternity test
for anyway? Any kid you have with Lisa
should be all grown and fine and all right by now,
pow, pow, pow, pow. – Man, the kid’s seven, damn. – That’s your baby then,
I’m just saying. ‘Cause is sure ain’t Special Ed Ed. – Who the hell is Special Ed Ed? – You know, Special Ed Ed,
old big goofy Ed. – I don’t know him, man. – Good thing you don’t. They didn’t just call him
Special Ed Ed for nothing. Look, he didn’t even just take
the short bus. He sat on the driver’s lap and help drive the short bus to school. And he didn’t just take like special
remedial classes, he took a remedial lunch. – And how the hell you know him? – I used to date his sister, Donna. – Dumb Donna got a brother?
– Yeah. – I mean… He’s two years younger than her
or whatever. Damn, that weed got me
fucked up. Two years younger, they didn’t
even live together. They was like stepbrother
and stepsister. – Damn Dumb Donna and Special Ed Ed? Man that’s some kind of family. – Ah, shit. Damn, you don’t know how
to pass a damn blunt? – Man, take it man,
pay attention. – Look at her.
– Put that out, put that out. (coughs) Put that out, shit. Let’s go. (door closes) – She look good. – Good afternoon, ladies.
– Hey. – My grandmother has something
she would like to say to you. – Young man, I would like to apologize
for my deception I perpetrated the other day. After a lengthy and insightful
conversation with my granddaughter, I have come to realize that it was
inappropriate for me to deceive you out of your money. I realize that even though
you are an adult and you should’ve known better,
it was still wrong of me. I also realize such behavior could
land a person in jail. And I have intentions of ever
going there. As a penance of my behavior,
I’m returning your money along with a chicken dinner from Roscoe. I hope that you will forgive me. – Hold on, you let this old lady hustle you
out of 10 dollars and a chicken dinner? – Man, won’t you shut up. Okay, I accept your apology. Definitely gonna
take this chicken dinner ’cause a brother ain’t had
a decent meal. But guys can take the money back.
– No, you keep the money. – I can’t take the money.
– But it’s your money. – Yeah, but you bought
me a dinner. – Uh, you owe me money anyway. – Man, I don’t owe you no money. – All the food I done brought
up in here. – Food, that ain’t no food,
you brung snacks here. – Call it what you wanna call it,
it costs money and I’m out of here. – Okay, that settles it. Thank you and I appreciate it. – You’re welcome. I’m sorry about my grandmother. I mean, sometimes she can be
really rude. She does have a soft side. She raised me when I was a little girl
and my mom didn’t want to. – Where’s your dad? – Passed away when I was three. – Well, your grandmother
did a good job. It’s hard raising kids. – You have kids? – Oh, nah. I mean, not yet. – Alright, well, I’m sure
maybe one day. You have really nice features, I think you could make
some pretty babies. – You think so?
– I think so. – Well, I gotta get going, but maybe I’ll talk to you later. – Yeah.
– Okay. – Looking forward to it. – Snap out of it, goober. – Shut up, porch monkey. – What’s up with her? – Nothing man, she beautiful though. – Yeah, she really feeling you, goober. – Man, what you talking ’bout? – You can see it all in her eyes
that she’s feeling you. That’s why I bounced. No action for a real player. – She’s just a classy lady
doing the right thing. – Nah, you can tell all in her eyes
that she feeling you. – Come on, man, she know
I’m on house arrest. What’s a classy lady like that
gonna do with a ex-con. I mean, I’m really ain’t a ex-con but I wouldn’t be surprised if Green
got her spying on me. – Look, I don’t know what she wants
with you with my fine ass standing right next to you,
however, she’s feeling you. You can tell it all in her eyes. You can learn a lot by looking
at a woman’s eyes when you’re talking to ’em, goober. If anything, you would’ve learned that
your high school sweetheart, baby mama is cock-eyed. – Whatever man, come on. (upbeat island music) (clears throat) – Mr. Dialo Jones? – [Dialo] Yeah, that’s me.
– I’m Nurse Reynolds. – I’m here for the paternity test
in regards to Prince Dialo Simmons. – [Dialo] Prince Dialo? – That is the name of the child. But you know what, just looking at you
I can tell that that’s your son. – [Dialo] And what makes you say
something like that? – That peanut head. Besides, you are his spitting image. Come on, let’s get this out the way. This gonna be real quick. – Spitting image, huh? That must be one
good looking kid right there. – Oh, he’s a beautiful boy. Too bad he ain’t gonna stay that way. – You like to throw around insults, huh? – Nah, it was more of a ego check. Come here, open wide. (gags) See, that was painless. – Hey man, you wanna hit this? Oh, my bad, that’s right
you don’t even do drugs. You done told me time and time again
that drugs was bad. And you know what, you’re right. I quit this awful habit today. – No stupid, she here to take
the paternity test. Damn.
– Paternity test? – Yes. – Man, your girl, Lisa,
move fast. You better get that checkbook ready. – What checkbook? I ain’t got no money,
what the hell you talking– – Gentlemen, I’m gonna be going. Mr. Jones, you will be hearing
from me with the results. – Excuse me, wait, can I– What the hell, man? – Why you always yelling at me? – Damn, man. – Hey, don’t you see the
stay off the grass sign? Hey put that down,
that don’t belong to you. – Oh, it’s mine now.
– What? – Can I at least hit it with you? – Did you say you stop smoking? – Man, that don’t make no sense. – You the dumb ass that threw
it on the lawn. (laughs) – Old sexy motherfucker. – Go in the house, man come on. – She’s bad though. – You hitting that?
– No. – You ain’t hit, you ain’t hit? – Man, get in the house. (slow music) – What’s up fool, ghost riding
on your bitch ass. – What? – Pookie, Pookie? – Man, what’s wrong with you? – Them fucking midgets just came back and he was ghost riding the whip. – What? Man, give me the weed,
give me the weed. – I’m serious.
– Shut up, you stupid. – I don’t even know why
I’m talking to you. No more weed for you, you’re done,
you’re done. – It was two of ’em. One was outside the care.
– Stop talking, dog. (upbeat island music) – Come on. I’m in that jungle love kinda stuff. (gasps)
Back up, before I shank you. (breathes heavily) (sighs) – [Lil Bit] Let’s wake his up, so I can
knock is ass out again. – That’s not in the plans. We’re supposed to drop off
the package and be out. He can’t know that we here. – [Lil Bit] After I knock him out,
he’ll never know that we was here. – We got strict instructions. (electronic music) (sighs) – Be quiet, might wake up his girlfriend. (electronic music) (rooster crows) – Rihanna. (footsteps approach) Good morning. – Wow, you’re up early every day? I’m impressed. – Trying to get my life on track. You know, sleeping till nine, 10 o’clock just ain’t what successful people do. – Now this is true, ’cause no matter
how early I get up, my boss is always the first one
at the office. – [Dialo] And that’s how
serious people do it. – Well, you seem serious. – Yeah, I ain’t always been serious. You know, I made some mistakes. But after this whole little episode
is over, I don’t plan on being nothing but serious. – Okay, well how much longer
do you have to go? – As long as I fix up this house,
stay out of trouble, I’ll be done in no time. – Alright, well keep up the good work. You’re well on your way
to a serious life. [Dialo] I am, I am. Um… What you doing for dinner tonight? – What, you taking me to dinner? – No, I mean, I would love to but I just can’t because… – It’s cool, it’s cool,
I’m just playing. I have a bad sense of humor sometime. – Kinda took a brother back, you know.
(chuckles) – [Rihanna] But um… I am free for dinner,
what’d you have in mind? – I got some groceries. Maybe a brother can hook something up. – You cook? – Not the best cook. I can put something together. – Okay, I mean, it sounds interesting. – So is that a yes.
– It’s a yes. – But could you, maybe, hook us
something up outside, maybe on the porch, ’cause my grandmother
would have a fit if I go in the house? – Not a problem, not a problem. – [Rihanna] Okay, well,
I’m home around four. – I’ll be here.
(chuckles) Where else I’mma be? – [Rihanna] Alright, see you later. – See you later.
(exhales sharply) (horn honks) Shit. (bangs) – Well, this is a surprise. I didn’t expect to see you up
and working at this hour. – Officer Green, of course,
I’m up and working. (flatulence) – Yeah, I see you managed
to get the front yard cleaned. How far have you gotten
with the rest of the house? – It’s coming along. – Well, let’s go take a look. – No.
– What? – No. – What are you talking about? – I mean, I’d like you to see
the house when it’s finished. – Look, I don’t expect for it
to be finished. – I just thought it’d be better
if you seen the house when it’s finished, as the job
as a whole. – Look, I don’t care what you think. This is my house
and you’re in my charge and I’m gonna keep
an insistent eye on you. – Insistent? What the hell do that mean? – It means I’m running this show,
now get out the way. – But I– Damn. (coughs) – You ain’t done nothing
in this house. – Man, I did some odds and ends. – It doesn’t look like
you’ve done anything. (plunks) You haven’t replaced
the garbage disposal. – Are you serious.
– [Green] Pipes under the sink. – Pookie? (flatulence) – Oh, shit. – Guess you’ve been too busy
strutting like a peacock for the woman across the street, that’s why you cleaned up outside. You haven’t done anything man, cleaned up, look at this counter,
look at this cabinet. It’s dirty in here too. And look, you haven’t even
so much as put a light in the fridge. – Man, I been in a holding cell
for four days, so I decided to start outside first. Pookie? – Nah, nah, you just a peacock.
(paper crinkles) Just a silly peacock, you ain’t
done nothing in here. You haven’t painted
or patched the walls. Floors need stripping. Windowsills aren’t done. – I haven’t started
in the bathroom at all. – No fucking kidding. I’m sure you haven’t but I need
to use it, nonetheless. – Damn. – [Dialo] Oh yeah, I’ve been meaning
to tell you, that door’s been sticking. – Oh shit. – [Green] Where the hell’s the knob? (grunts)
(plunks) Are you fucking serious? Where are all my fucking doorknobs? – Man, the little midgets came back. – First you said it was big people,
now it’s little midgets. What is this, the fucking circus? Now, I let it go the first time
’cause you had a bump on your head but you’re going to the well
once too often. (grunts) Damn, god almighty. – Damn.
– [Green] Good god almighty. – I’m sorry, I been uh… I hadn’t been feeling well lately. – What’s the matter, your hand broke? Flush the toilet, for god’s sake. – My bad, my bad. – Now I know why your cell mate’s
on suicide watch. Man, you’re not human.
– I’m sorry, okay? – Yeah, you sorry alright. But don’t be sorry… be ready to go back to jail. – What!
– [Green] You heard me. – What you talking about? I told you the little midgets
took the damn doorknobs. – Fuck the midgets. I found this in the fridge.
– [Dialo] Damn! – Come on, Green. Green! Green! – If I wasn’t going to San Diego,
I’d be taking your ass in right now. Enjoy your last day of freedom. – Damn.
(cell phone rings) (car engine starts)
(cell phone rings) Hello? – [Nurse] Hey Mr. Jones,
Nurse Reynolds. I’m pleased to confirm that
you are the baby’s daddy. – Well, I’m truly happy then. – [Nurse] Great, then I’m happy too. – Thank you. – [Nurse] Okay now, have a great day. – Okay. – [Nurse] Bye.
– Bye. (laughs) – Hey, who wouldn’t thought that
Mission Impossible shit really would’ve worked, man? Hey, is he gone? – Didn’t I tell you to get
rid of the gun? – Yeah, I did. – So why the hell parole officer Green
find it in the house? – I got rid of the gun, man,
I promise you. – So what, the gun had a baby
and it was hanging out in the fridge? – Come on, man, we’re family,
I would never lie to you, dude. We just gotta stick together. – No, we’re family, and I know like family know,
you a fuck up. I’m a fuck up but I can’t afford
to be a fuck up anymore. I gotta take my life serious. No more time for fun and games. And let’s face it, that’s all you know
if fun and games. Pookie, get out! – Are you serious? – I’m dead serious and I’m getting
more serious by the second. – Come on, man, we’re family. I would never turn my back
on family, dude. (sighs) – Hey neighbor, are you okay? – Yeah, I’m okay. – You been smoking PCP?
– No. – Oh no, what’s your drug? You too chubby to smoke crack. Are you a crystal meth man?
– No. – My life just took a big turn,
I got a lot on my mind. Besides, I ain’t got time for your
little silly interrogations. – Is not an interrogation, papi,
I just wanted to know what you like. And I figured I could make some
money on the side getting you stuff. And seeing as how
you do not go anywhere– – I don’t do drugs! – Aye, papi, it’s cool. Here’s my pager number. Hit me on the hip when you
need anything, okay? (flicks card) (grunts) (tool clatters) – This got to work.
(laughs) Whoo, aw man. I got it, first thing done. (water spurts) (exclaims) Damn.
(breathes heavily) (bangs on door) Damn. – [Lisa] Dialo? – [Dialo] Hey, what’s up, Lisa?
– [Lisa] Hey. – What you doing? (chuckles) You can’t get the door open? – [Dialo] Huh? – So, I assume you’ve heard the news? – Yeah, I did. I just wanna apologize. I mean, I’m sorry for the way
I treated you. I’m sorry for not being there
when my son was born. I can’t wait to meet him,
I heard he looks like me. – That’s all nice, but I think
we should take one day at a time. So, we still have that issue
about child support. – I mean, I’m doing the best I can. I mean, I’m not getting paid
for anything around here. – [Lisa] That’s fine, I’m gonna have
my lawyer draw up the papers. – Damn, woman, you like a machine. – We’re not in high school anymore. I need you to start taking
our child seriously. So no more games. Okay? – I understand.
(horn honks) – My ride’s ready to go, so I’mma bring
Prince over tomorrow around three. Why don’t you come out
and meet my fiance. – You sure he wanna meet me, I mean, he could’ve did that
when he first got here? – Yeah, he’s not thrilled about me
bringing you into Prince’s life but this is not about him. So, just come say hi,
he won’t bite. Come on.
– [Dialo] Alright. – Come on.
– Alright. – Beat your baby daddy, say we’re
gonna be here five minutes, we’ve been here 35 minutes already. Forget this, man.
(taps window) Mess up my–
(windows whines) Baby, I really have to get
back to the office. I got a conference call
in like 30 minutes. – Okay, sweetie, because can
at least say hi. – Edward Hollister,
nice to meet you. – Dialo Jones. (window whines)
– Let’s go. – Don’t worry about him,
I’ll talk to him, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow at 3 o’clock? – Okay. – Hey, homeboy, what’s cracking? – Man, if you don’t get outta my face! (birds twitter) Get over here, now. – Would you please explain to me
why you’re being so uncivilized? – Uncivilized? I’m not the one that’s a criminal. – What does that have to do
with the big picture? – The big picture is that
we got a good life. We growing into prosperity and I don’t see why we are
reaching back to some no good, ex con,
bootlegging criminal into our family’s future. – We’ve discussed this. I would never be able to forgive myself
if anything ever happened to Dialo and Prince never knew who his
biological father was. – Baby, the guy is a bum. He been like that since high school. He still smoking weed. – Stop, that’s Prince’s father
you’re talking about. – No, I’m Prince’s father. I’ve been Prince’s father
since he was two years old. That man’s a sperm donor. (door slams) – You know, I don’t believe you, Edward. You, of all people, should know
the power of transformation and charity. If my aunt had never given you
that business, where would you be? You know what, this is irrelevant. This is about my son
and his happiness. You should think about that the next time
since you love him so much. (foreboding music) – Listen you guys, you been doing okay
with this little situation and I do appreciate it. I need one more favor, tomorrow
at 3 o’clock, under no circumstances can Dialo answer that door. I don’t care what you do,
short of killing him, he can not be at that door
tomorrow afternoon. – Que Pasa!
(bike clatters) – Speak English.
– What’s up my brother. – Sit down, man,
I wanna talk to you. (sighs)
– [Tuffy] What’s up? – Now, I’mma give you a pass
on your stupid behavior. I realize I ain’t been much
of a role model for you. You won’t believe what’s been
going on with me for the last couple of days. I’ve been getting harassed my midgets. Parole officer Green found a gun
in the house and he talking about taking me back to jail. And to top that off, Lisa came by
and said we got a son together. – You a father? Let’s hope you do a better job
than out pops did. – I ain’t going out like that. I promised I’ll be a better father than the one me and you had. And a better big brother. – You always been a great big brother. All the homies look up to you. – Yeah, ’cause you come up
with these amazing stories about how I’m a gangster. – You know–
– Cállate. – I wanna be the big homey
for the right reasons. The same way my son is gonna
look up to his Uncle Tuffy. Be a positive, not a negative. You feel me?
– [Tuffy] I feel you. – [Tuffy] Man, what you need? – For starters, I need doorknobs. Gather up all your homies,
the more, the merrier. I’mma clean up this mess and when Green get here,
he gonna reconsider taking me back to jail (upbeat rap music) ♫ Grind harder ♫ Now this is music you can feel ♫ Touch hear or smell ♫ 25 to life (door closes) (door opens) (door closes) – Don’t say a word.
– Pookie hitting that? – [Dialo] I doubt it. – Man, let me go see
if he need some help. – Stay focused, man,
I need you here. – Alright, man, my bad. I’mma go holla at the homies. (mid-tempo music) – Hey, what’s up, is Dialo in the house? – Yeah, he’s in the house. – Can you let him know
Rihanna’s outside? – How about you help me
with some of this stuff and you can tell him yourself? – I mean, I can help you
as far as the porch, but I can’t go in the house,
my grandmother would have a fit. – Alright, suit yourself. – Hold up, like,
who the toys for? – For my nephew, Prince Dialo. – Dialo’s your nephew?
– No, Dialo’s my brother. – Prince Dialo’s my nephew. – So wait, Dialo has son?
– Yeah, he’s seven. – You know what, I just forgot,
I got something on the stove. So, never mind. – [Tuffy] Hey man, some lady was outside
asking about you. – [Dialo] Shit, Rihanna. – Don’t worry about it,
she already went home. – What’d she say? – [Tuffy] She said she had
something on the stove. – That’s it? – She asked who the toys were for,
I said, my nephew, your son and she bounced,
it was kinda crazy. – Damn. I told I didn’t have a kid. – Why you tell her that? – Because, at the time, when we talked,
I didn’t have a kid. – She probably think you foul. – Think so?
– Yeah. – Alright man, I appreciate all the work. I need y’all here early tomorrow, alright. I need all this stuff done by 12 noon. – I got you, come on, fellas,
let’s go. (dust hands) (sighs) – Okay, let them midgets come back,
I’mma get they head busted. (sighs) – [Jessica] You make me scream, scream. – [Pookie] Yeah. – [Jessica] Oh, can you
make me scream, Pookie? – [Pookie] You already know, Pookie about
to beat this up, yes sir. – [Pookie] Yes sir, girl, lawd
I love this coochie. (grunts)
Shoot on my baby. (bed rattles) – [Jessica] Oh, can you make
me scream, Pookie? – [Pookie] Got dang!
– [Jessica] Oh yeah! – [Pookie] Oh, you got that bear coochie. Got dang!
(moans) – Shut up all that damn noise. (grunts)
[Pookie] Whose is this? – You gotta be kidding me, Pookie. Pookie, you got to be kidding me. Shut up! You ain’t doing nothing Pookie,
she faking, that’s right, she faking. Shut up, shut up.
(moans) Shut the hell up. – [Pookie] You like that sick shit, huh? (snores) – Rihanna? Rihanna? Rihanna? – What the hell you doing
out here in your drawers, man? – Damn, I didn’t expect y’all to
be here so early. – You said you needed
to be done by noon, so I figured the sooner we get here,
the sooner you get done. – Impressive, impressive. – See, you rubbing off on us already. (slaps hands) Hey, I gotta go get something
out of the car. – Alright, y’all come with me, I’mma show you where we
gonna start at. Let’s go in the house. – Pookie, what up boy? – [Pookie] What’s up young Tuffy? – Man, you sound worse than me
trying to speak Spanish. – You don’t say young chap. – You should come help us today, man. – No, no, I didn’t get much
sleep last night. (chuckles) – What’s up with you and that
big booty white girl? She fine as shit. – Oh, how I would love to share
the joys of adulthood with you. – Pookie, baby, hurry back.
– Damn. – I leave for work in an hour. – Cut me some slack, woman. I get plenty dynamite
from blowing that back out. You didn’t here that Tuffy.
(laughs) – [Tuffy] You need to go handle that. – That, I definitely will do. Seriously though, shouldn’t I
be getting ready to take you to work or something? – No, my insurance company’s
dropping off a rental. – Damn, you white folks
pay for everything. – It’s worth it, it’ give you 40 minutes
to unload your dynamite. – Okay that’s it. Hopefully, the work we done here
and my talk game, will keep me out of jail. – Good luck big brah. Call me let me know
how everything go. – Thank you. Look man, I appreciate you. – Come on, you my brother,
I got you. – Alright.
– Alright. (door closes) (upbeat music) (bangs on door) – Not you two little motherfuckers.
(punches) (grunts) – Man, got dang. Man, had I known that white girl
be so needy, I’d have left her next to that
old broke down hoop-tee of hers. Man, what’s that fool doing? (upbeat music) – What you a freak or something? – [Lil Bit] Get you punk ass–
– [Dialo] I ain’t taking this no more. – [Lil Bit] Get your punk ass in the back.
(groans) – Shit.
(groans) (groans) (gags) – Get up, get up. Get in the back.
(upbeat music) – [Edward] Your daddy, he’s a…
– [Lisa] He’s a good man. – [Edward] He’s a special man.
– [Lisa] He’s a good man. – [Edward] And he’s a special man. – [Lisa] He’s a good man,
turn the car off, babe. – [Edward] I got the car off.
(door closes) – Aren’t you just a gentleman. (laughs) – Okay, close the door
if you’re gonna open it. Let’s go, alright, we’re gonna
get in and out. Okay, okay, alright. (knocks) Where is this guy, I mean,
(chuckles) he’s on house arrest, right? – Edward.
– What? – Watch what you say. – You told him to be here
at 3 o’clock. – Yes, I told him.
– It’s 3 o’clock. (muffled screams) – Be quiet before I have to
straight blast your ass. – How long we suppose to
keep him tied up? – I don’t know, let me call
and find out. (cell phone rings) (bangs on door) – Okay, nobody’s here,
let’s go. – One more knock, mama.
– Okay, baby. – Listen, I know it’s difficult,
little solider, but as long as you got you,
me and mommy, come on, everything be alright,
alright? Come on, let’s go. – One more knock, please Edward. – Ain’t no answer,
ain’t nobody answering. (crow caws) – Okay, nobody’s here,
let’s go, come on. Let’s go. (muffled screams) – What was that?
– I don’t know. – Looked like a lemon. – Ain’t no lemon trees back here. Let me go check this out,
watch him. (upbeat music) (grunts) – Can I help you? – Oh, no, we were just leaving, sir,
thank you. – Yes, maybe you can. My name’s Lisa,
this is my fiance, Edward and my son, Prince, here. We were looking for Dialo. – Dialo?
– Yeah. – Well, I’m officer Green,
his parole officer. – Hi.
– He should be in there. – There wasn’t an answer. – No answer?
– Unh-unh. – Hold on, just stay right here. – Oh wait, wait.
– [Lisa] Just… – He probably not in there. I mean, the guy probably
skipped town. – Dialo? Dialo? What in the world? (grunts) (up-tempo music) Probation department,
what’s going on here? – E, we ain’t going to jail
for this shit. – Was she talking to you? – No, why would she be talking to me,
they don’t know me. (chuckles) – She said, “E”. – No, she said “we”, she said it twice. We, we ain’t going to jail for this. – No, I think she said “E”. – What you know, Pookie, you and
your dumb ass cousin. – Special Ed Ed, is that you?
(laughs) – My name’s Edward. – Where is Dialo?
– Oh, yeah. – Dude.
(tape rips) – Man… Man, you really came through for me. – I told you I never turn my back
on family, man. – Man, you a straight up mess. What’s this all about? – I have an idea. Now, when the two little people, who held my cousin captive was unaware of how long
to keep him confined, they placed a call to, who I believe, was the ring-leader. They placed a call but didn’t get an answer
but the number was dialed. So, I assume that if I hit
this redial button, the ring-leader will be revealed. – Oh, shut up, Pookie,
you don’t know nothing. You and your dumb ass cousin.
(chuckles) – Is your phone on vibrate?
(cell phone rings) – Oh, Edward, your phone is ringing. (cell phone rings) – He’s a bum. I don’t know why you want him
in our lives. He’s gonna ruin the family. – He’s not doing no worse
than what you doing. Shame on you. – Shame on me, I do everything right. I provide a great family
for you and Prince. And you just want him
in our lives. You just won’t let him go. – Is that what this is about, huh? You don’t think that I’ve let go? I’m not that silly little girl
in high school, chasing after the funny looking
guy in her homeroom. I told you, when we started this process
that this was about Prince, and that’s it. Prince, come meet your father. – You’re my daddy.
– That’s me. – But you can call me Pops. But that’s what I call granddaddy. – Well, I mean,
we can think of something. – I can call you Baba. – Baba, what’s that? – That’s what my friend, Kwame,
call his dad. It’s African for daddy.
(chuckles) – You like it, I love it, alright. – Oh, I love it too, I love it. (laughs) – Who’s that? – That’s your cousin, Pookie. Get used to him, we got a lot
of crazy family just like him. – If you say so.
– Alright. (chuckles) – You know Dialo,
you are one wild boy. – Not anymore, I’m done with that. – Yeah, well, I hope so. But you know, I look around and see
the work you’ve managed to get done in a day and a half
and it’s quite impressive. Now, if you’d worked half this hard
the whole time you were here, you could’ve built three houses by now. But I see a lot of promise,
a lot of possibility in you. – I gotta be totally honest with you,
I had help. – So what, you got the job done. And in this country,
that’s all that matters. Look Dialo, I know you think
that I picked you because I wanted to torture you, but I picked you because, in you,
I saw the biggest upside. – I had no idea.
(chuckles) – Tomorrow, I have to take you
back to jail. – What? Green, come on now,
I fixed this whole house. – Yeah, well, you need
to fill out your exit papers. (chuckles) – I didn’t know he was funny, man. Cool.
(chuckles) Hey, look… I got my son here
and I got my cousin here. Is it okay if I have a little
barbecue in the backyard? Nothing big, man,
something small, I promise. – Am I invited?
– Of course. – Then sure, you can have it. As a matter of fact, if you wait
about 10 minutes, you can walk across the street
and invite that lovely young lady to the party.
(chuckles) – You cool, Green,
you cool. (mid-tempo music) What’s up Rihanna? – What are you doing here? Plan on busting out of jail? – Nope, I’m done,
I’m a free man. – Great, just what we need, another liar running free
on the streets. – Give me a second,
I can explain everything. – Well, I’ll give you 10. – When I talked to you earlier,
I didn’t have son. I just found out two hours ago. I know it sound like
a crazy story, it’s the truth. – Why should I believe you?
– Don’t. – You could come over. You could me my baby mom,
my son and my cousin. They’ll let you know
what time it is. – Whatever. (slow piano music) (birds twitter) ♫ Ms. Jackson is my baby
she is my baby ♫ She makes me better
she makes me better ♫ And you ain’t gonna get her
you ain’t gonna get her ♫ ‘Cause Buzby got her ♫ Ms. Jackson is my baby
she his my baby ♫ And you ain’t gonna get her – Whatever your name is
up there, boy. (upbeat music) (chuckles) – Hey, what’s up?
– What’s up? – I’m glad you decided to show up. – Well, you know, I figured
I was giving you a hard time, being that you were
getting up every morning trying to get with a sister, so. (chuckles) Figured I’d give you a shot. – Oh, you figured that out, you figured
out a brother’s game? (laughs) Well, hey won’t you come
meet my son and the rest of my family. – Alright.
(giggles) (mid-tempo music) – Your boy really did a good job
with this house. – First of all, that ain’t my boy. Second of all, I guarantee you
he gonna mess up again. And when he messes up, I’ll be right there. And if he don’t mess up,
I’ll find some way to make sure that he does. Police, remember? Prom king. – You need to grow up. ♫ Loving you ♫ Is the only thing I know to do ♫ This is my heart’s wish
that has come true ♫ Every day I wake
it’s something new ♫ Knowing it’s just us two ♫ In love ♫ And not one ♫ Can tell us ♫ That what we feel ain’t real ♫ When we touch ♫ I know ♫ We’ll grow ♫ To something beautiful ♫ I was made to love you ♫ Love you love you ♫ You were made to love me ♫ Love me love me ♫ I was made to love you ♫ Love you love you ♫ You were made to love me ♫ Love me love me ♫ We’re supposed to be in love ♫ Love love ♫ We’re supposed to be in love ♫ Love love love ♫ We’re suppose to be in love ♫ Love love

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About the Author: Sam Caldwell

100 Comments

  1. Can someone please tell me what the name of the song playing at the beginning of the movie? Thanks in advance.

  2. Was decent for free, story wasn’t bad, acting was B rated but still worth a watch… 7.3 out of 10

  3. If only offenders of petty crimes were treated as such – instead of taking the L and doing time.

  4. Am I the only one having problems of not downloading until I see if there is any familiar actors in the movie

  5. I seen not 1 thing funny and cant understand where this is to be funny. Now I c y kids ho watch this crap r so messed up in the head. maybe all the brains were fried on drugs. This has to be one of the worsted movies ever. Nothing good in it to see but trash.

  6. Lol I enjoyed watching this movie, while high on weed😂 perfect.💯
    Ps. Does anyone know the name and artist of the last song ?!

  7. Yall stole this title. The real House arrest movie that was released on Lions Gate Films that stars the Game and Stacey Dash is not this movie. This 1 is a fraud.

  8. House arrest this movie is good but the thing is it's not funny it has a great story to it about home arrest and how many chicken has come through here it's all confusing garbled and a couple of midgets keep robbing them I don't understand why he is arrested there's no claim on what he is arrested about so far it's a okay great storyline good stars in the movie All Around 8 okay I dig it man

  9. This movie is dynomite it's got a lot of potential in it and how son and father are related it's a tearjerker but in a okay movie I would say it's one of the best I've seen but still it's not funny and it's classified as the top funny movie which I'm a little ticked about but still it turned out to be a dynamite movie it deserves a thumb up God bless all the actors in this movie sincerely TCB third son of Elvis Presley hot damn I dig this movie man I love it baby and it's an awesome upstanding movie This Is Elvis man

  10. Glad it really was the same movie it said cause sometimes I'll click on a movie and it won't even be close to what it was supposed to be

  11. Wanna skip ads? Tap the video and drag the time bar to the end of the video, wait until the replay button pops up and press it. BOOM NO ADS!

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