How to Survive Camp Crystal Lake | Slash Course | NowThis Nerd

How to Survive Camp Crystal Lake | Slash Course | NowThis Nerd


– Hello everyone, I am Andrew,
and here on Slash Course, we specialize in how to kill
horror’s most vicious villains, but this week, we’re doing
something a little different. – Hey, did you guys hear that? (laughing) – We’re shining a light on the survivors of Jason Voorhees, to see what it takes to escape from Camp Blood with
your head on your shoulders. Crystal Lake is New
Jersey’s premier destination for city kid campers,
clueless teenage counselors, and a hockey masked serial killer. So if you don’t wanna spend
your summer in the morgue, listen up, because this is how
to survive Camp Crystal Lake. Jason’s reign of terror racked
up the highest body count in all of horror, but
diving into Crystal Lake, doesn’t have to be a death sentence. So we’ve gathered some do’s and don’ts from the ‘Friday’ franchise. Number one, don’t play pranks. (screaming) The best way to ensure a painful death at the hands of a hockey masked madman is to be that guy. You know that guy. The one who’s always
playing hilarious tricks on his friends, like pretending to drown, shooting arrows at strangers,
or scaring your buddies with a mask and harpoon gun. – Darn it, Shelly. Why do you do these stupid things? – I just want you to like me. – If there’s one thing
Jason hates more than, well, humanity, I guess,
it’s a jovial prankster. Even worse, if you get
a rep for crying wolf, no one will believe you
when Jason actually slashes your jugular, so please be
respectful to your fellow campers because, it’s just a prank, bro, doesn’t cut it at Crystal Lake. (frogs croaking) – Stop foolin’ around, man! – It’s just a prank,
bro it’s just a prank. We get it, you’re like a,
like a real son of a [Beep] (laughing) – I guess I fooled ya, huh? – Besides, there’s plenty of fun to be had without resorting to buffoonery,
so don’t feel the need to abstain. – Sex, sex, sex, you
guys are getting boring, you know that? – What would a weekend in
the country be without sex? – One of the oldest slasher
tropes is that the final girl must be pure, she doesn’t
smoke, she doesn’t drink, she doesn’t have premarital sex, and thus she is saved from
the hands of the killer. But the sole survivors don’t
have to be teetotaling virgins. Alice, the first ‘Friday’ final girl, plays strip Monopoly, downs a beer or two, and yes, partakes of the wacky tabaccy, if you know what I’m saying. – Don’t smoke, it causes cancer. – You know what I mean,
what’d you just get off a spaceship or something? Columbian ghoul man, grass,
hash, the weed, they got. – But in the end she’s the one
who kicks the killer’s butt. Okay, I mean, to be fair,
her luck does run out when she finally runs into Pam’s baby boy, but Alice is far from the
only non-sober survivor in the series. Hell, drinking, drugs, and debauchery, might actually save your life. Tell that to my parents. Hi, mom. [Beep] Ted, from ‘Part 2′
is the living definition of dead meat, he’s an annoying joker just begging for a
machete right to the face. – Come and get ’em. – But he survives the
night by basically saying, you know what, I’m good. Instead of helping you find
the maniac in the burlap sack, I’m just gonna go chill
at this bar in town and get wasted. So don’t be afraid to have some fun. Be like Ted. – You guys quittin’ already? – Ted, you’d have me out
til breakfast if I let you. – You are on vacation, after all. But just be sure to use your head. (spooky music) If you wanna survive Jason, you need to understand Jason, man. So what do we know about the guy? I mean, really, what do we know? He’s big, he’s strong,
and he’s invulnerable. But he’s not the sharpest
tool in the shed. Hey now. (screaming) ♪ Somebody once told me ♪ He’s also terrified of water, which being drowned will do to you, although be warned, his
hydrophobia has been inconsistent throughout the series. Finally, we know that Jason
is the ultimate momma’s boy, and more than a few survivors
have used this knowledge to psych out the slasher. Sure, you might have to
wear a rotting sweater that some old lady got
her head chopped off in, but Jason isn’t too quick on the draw. – Jason, mother is talking to you. – Jason, mother is talking to you. – And while he’s trying to
figure out why his mom is alive, and saying something to him other than kee kee kee ha ha ha,
you could bury a machete in his shoulder and get
the hell outta there. Jason’s mommy issues are
ripe for exploitation by clever campers, just hock a
couple yo mama jokes his way. – Your momma’s so short she
got her head chopped off. – But you can also get into his head if you embrace your inner child. – I pray the Lord my soul to keep, if we should die before I wake, I pray the Lord my soul to take. – Jason is the ultimate case
of arrested development. Hey, that’s the name of the show. No attention span, can’t even carry on a typical… Michael thought he’d spotted the man who threatened him earlier. A monster of a man who
essentially stopped aging at 11. – You know, the only person
ever known was his mother? He never went to school so
he never had any friends. She was everything to him. – I can relate, but despite his reputation as a mindless menace, even
this killer has a code. For example, animals are off limits. (meowing) Sure, in the early days, Jason
would hunt for subsistence, and he may or may not have
ripped a cute little dog to shreds in part two, but generally, he’s a staunch defender of animal rights. PETA would like Jason. (slashing) Jason also has a strict
no kid killing policy. Unlike your Freddies and
your Michael Meyerses, he won’t harm anyone under the age of 13. Yes, I hear you, and I know that ‘Part 4’ is all about killing little Tommy Jarvis, but apparently he just missed the cutoff. And subsequent sequels have shown Jason completely ignoring
kids and in some cases, actually befriending them. Now, there’s no turning
back the hands of time, but if Tommy managed to make Jason believe he was his younger self,
maybe you could trick him into thinking you’re a
tween by, I don’t know, flossing, playing ‘Fortnite?’ (laughing) I can’t floss, is that apparent? I’m 12. (beep) and if there’s no way
you’ll pass as a preteen, maybe he’ll go easy on you if you tell him how much you’ve donated to
the World Wildlife Fund? If you have a rescue? Point is, not everyone’s a target, so don’t go out of your
way to make yourself one. And by that I mean, don’t preach. – Goody cap lad, ain’tcha? – God darn it, Ralph, get outta here. Go on, get, leave people alone. – Crystal Lake is home to
all sorts of doomsayers, street preachers, and other
generally unpleasant people who can’t wait to yell at you about how you’re gonna die. Now, despite performing a
valuable public service, these bearers of bad omens don’t usually live to see
their prophecies play out. Crazy Ralph loves booze, his
bike, and barking prophecy at anyone who will listen. – It’s got a death curse. – He’s a real prophet o’ doom, ain’t he? – But even with all that foresight, he sure didn’t see that
barbed wire necklace coming. Same with the nameless
deckhand in ‘Part 8.’ No one believes him
that Jason is on board, and before he can say I told you so, he’s butchered with an ax to the back. Jason’s arch-nemesis
Creighton Duke isn’t shy about telling the world
of the slasher’s secrets, but even he can’t escape the guy’s brutal back-breaking bear hug. Now, it’s possible that Duke survived, much like Abel from part three, the rare exception of a
doomsayers dodging death. But do you really wanna take that risk? I understand you just wanna help. So do annoying reply guys on Twitter, but no one will believe you anyway, which brings us to our next point, don’t be a dude. – Where’s this coming from? (spooky music) – Sorry fellas, but I’m not
exactly going out on a limb by saying that, on average,
women are way more likely to live through a horror movie. – Are they all dead? – Yes, ma’am. – Women are 50.4% of the
population, but they’re 65% of Jason Voorhees’ survivors
if you include androids. So, while it’s not
exactly an ironclad rule, your chances of survival
are statistically superior if you’re on the female
side of the gender spectrum. Now, hashtag not all
men are doomed to die, but the ones that live tend
to be the fairly useless boyfriends of the true heroin. – Jason, where’s Jason?
– I took care of it. – So if you’re a cishet
dude chillin’ at Crystal Lake, be good to your girl, because
she’s gonna carry your ass through to the credits. And listen to her if she
suggests that you guys change scenery. Now, Crystal Lake hasn’t
been home to a functioning summer camp for a very long time, but the camp’s not the
only reason to visit. There’s the lake itself,
surrounded by dozens of lodges and cabins, as well as
a peaceful little town complete with a charming
diner that’s happy to cash in on a local legend. Capitalism, sellin’
french fries with murder. – This makes the whole milk patty. Hank’s, the two for one burger sandwich. – It’s even home to a high tech
government research facility so why would anyone want to leave? Especially a true blue
Jersey boy like Jason. Crystal Lake gives Jason a
canonical home field advantage, depending on how canon you
consider ‘Freddy vs. Jason.’ So the simplest survival
solution is simply to get the heck outta Dodge. Sounds easy enough, right? I mean, it’s not that hard
to do in the video game. Unless of course, someone in your party runs off with the car battery, Shane. (beep) Sometimes Jason is hesitant
to leave his territory, but we’ve also seen him pursue his prey to the ends of the Earth and beyond. Still, he seems to be more vulnerable outside of his home turf. Take him across the Hudson and expose him to the sewage of New York City and that bad boy will melt right away, presumably from the same
ingredient in our water that makes our bagels so damn delicious. Springwood, Ohio, neuters
Jason to Freddy Kreuger’s kid sidekick and even with
the sleek cyborg upgrade in outer space, he seems
confused and out of his element, a fact that you can use to your advantage. – Turf variations using
data file Crystal Lake 1908. – Hey, wanna beer? – Or do you wanna smoke some pot? – But, if you can’t escape
and you can’t face him on friendlier ground, then
I’m afraid there’s only one option left, fight back. (screaming) (groaning) It’s not an enviable predicament, but depending on when
you visit Crystal Lake, you might be able to throw down
with the Camp Blood killer. Now, Pam Voorhess was a helluva slasher, but she wasn’t exactly the most resilient. And, early in his career,
Jason was still human. Granted, a human who could
survive an ax to the head, but he still felt that pain. (groaning) Now, if you’re squaring
up against the rotting, regenerating, revenant Jason, your chances shrink dramatically. Do not, under any circumstances, try to one v one zombie Jason. It’s not gonna end well. It’s like one v one-ing a
Yasuo on Summoner’s Rift, you just don’t wanna do it. Your odds improve if you happen
to have telekinetic powers but even then, it’s purely last resort. Honestly, if your goal is
to kill Jason Voorhess, well, Kya’s got you covered. But if you’re solely focused on surviving camp Crystal Lake, we can
pretty much boil it down to one word, run. – You’re doomed, you’re all doomed. (spooky music)

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About the Author: Sam Caldwell

61 Comments

  1. Thanks for watching, nerds! Are there any other horror haunts that could use a survival guide? Haddonfield, Illinois? Springwood, Ohio? Hell itself? Let us know!

  2. Jason: rawh
    Me: they forced me to come. So yeah. I'll tell you where they hide and you spare me. I dont do or even like what they do.
    Jason: thinks and nods
    /later/
    Me: *defends jason from final girl>

    Friend: wanna go to crystal lake?

    Me: NO. Ill arrange your funeral though

    Jason: about to attack

    Me: may be 19 but has a burning childs sprit play? hugging her teddy
    Jason: plays with me

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