S2 Ep 7 “The Ry Guy Goes to Jail” – Ryan Hansen

S2 Ep 7 “The Ry Guy Goes to Jail” – Ryan Hansen

Hola, amigos!
Ryu here. Hadouken! So, coming hot off that
Jane Lynch cameo. That mysterious piece of paper
she gave us just had two unforgettable
words on it, and they were,
um… John Mackie. Turns out he’s a cop, but dude is like
a table at Gjelina on a Friday:
impossible to find. Huh! Anyway,
what’s going on with me? Oh, I just got somewhere
very cool. Wanna guess where it is? Well, here’s a hint
in the form of a riddle. It’s members only,
but you can’t apply. You aren’t asked to join,
you are made to. And some of the celeb patrons
over the years include, Tommy Lee,
Tim Allen, and sadly, three out of
every five child stars, that’s right…
( laughs ) I’m going to prison, baby.( music playing )Hollywood prison, that is, which is different
that Hollywood jail, which is different
than actor jail, which I am not in…
anymore. Anywho… How you doing?
Ryan Hansen. Word on the street is
you boys are dealing with a wee bit
of a murder problem, and I’m here to investigate. Park in visitor parking. You sure? I think my agent
got me a drive on. Nope. Turn around, go back
three blocks, pass the impound lot,
and walk back. Ugh! A walk on?
This is criminal. Hm, I guess I’m in
the right place. Prison episode, y’all! Ooh, ooh!
( laughs ) – What are you doing?
– What?( theme music playing )It’s sad, Pee-Wee was
one of our best inmates, besides James Corden. Wait, James Corden
was in jail? Oh, yeah. Six months for
carpool karaokeing into a farmer’s market. CAA kept it out of
the headlines. See, that is exactly why
I didn’t sign with
those people. They’re just servicing
the superstars. It’s way more chill
to be a big fish
in the Gersh pond. Is is a small pond?
Yup. Is the water safe to drink?
Probably not. Am I asking and answering
my own questions? Well, that’s hard to say. You’ll have to explain
to me what Gersh is someday when I give
a shit. This kind of thing
happen a lot here? It’s the most violent
prison in the country. New warden’s trying
to get it in line. He’s former L.A.P.D. Back when they had standards. Oh, we still got those. Except now we call them
standards and practices.
Watch this… Go ( bleep ) yourself,
mother( bleep ). Suck it!
Suck a ( bleep, bleep ) you ( bleep ) and
your ( bleep ). I’m gonna skull( bleep ) you,
you ( bleep ). See that?
Standards. Uh, did Pee-Wee have
any enemies? Yeah, he had a beef
with this one inmate, Tarantula, guy tried to
pull off both Pee-Wee’s ears in the laundry,
that’s his trademark. He’s got a jar
full of ears that he keeps under the can
in his cell. It’s quirky and it’s edgy,
so we allow it. What, what?
Hansen up in
the big house. ( laughs ) This cell with unlimited bars. The no leave hotel. The hotel–
Oh, my… Oh! God!
( retching ) You wanna try guessing
the cause of death? Oh, I think it’s gonna be
vomiting for me. I’m gonna be sick. God, I can’t believe
today out of all days I forgot to vape
my probiotic. ( grunts ) We’ll let you know
if we need anything
else. ( giggles ) Oh, my God. I’ve seen some shit
in my day, but this is a new one. ( chuckles ) This brings
back memories. Just gonna take a guess,
2005? “Tiger Beat,” April edition. I can’t say for sure. It’s not like I memorized
every collectible poster
pull-out. But you can tell
by the distinctive
printing error. You see that, Vince?
My eyes are way more
cerulean. Yeah, yeah, there for sure
no deep sadness in you
at all. Question is,
what is it doing here? Ugh, well, he’s obviously
a huge fan. Those are always the most
tragic deaths. Vince: Good thing you have
so few fans. Well, he was probably
using it to cover up the hole he was digging
to freedom. Total “Shawshank” move
right there. I’m this guy’s
Rita Hayworth. Boy, that is a big honor. She was a beautiful,
beautiful plot device. I highly doubt that you’re
anybody’s Rita Hayworth. Oh, really?
Watch this? ( scoffs, chuckles ) Ow! Mother( bleep )! ( laughs ) Oh, God. Oh, well, great news, this guy
was definitely a fan. I don’t really care.
Now, listen up. Our killer’s in this prison,
so this investigation is gonna require
something special. The only way to solve
this crime – is by going undercover.
– Going into the dreams
of the killer. – Going undercover.
– Going into the– how the hell are you going
to go into someone’s dreams? I don’t know.
Two hats connected
by a wire? Maybe like an “Inception”
suit or something. No one totally figured
it out. Did you know they shot
all the dream sequences
in camera? This is a nightmare. Is it?( dramatic music playing )Hey, wait up. So, what are we gonna
go undercover as? Here’s a fun pitch. I go undercover as you, you go undercover as me, and we both learn something
about each other. A buddy of mine
worked on “Face Off,” and he can hook us up
with the doctor who did the real operation. It’s gonna be
very dangerous. I’m doing this alone. Alone? Isn’t that kind of
out-of-format for this show? Look, I’m gonna need
a lifeline on the outside. That can be you. You can count on me,
partner. Good. And… slow dissolve
to suggest the slow passage
of time… now.( music playing )( inmates shouting ) Hey, buddy. What the hell? ( laughs ) Surprise,
I’m undercover, too. Ah. We’re undercover brothers. Like that movie,
um, “Donnie Brasco.” Fuggedaboudit.
Am I right? Ryan, you were my only
link to the outside world. Nobody even knows
I’m in here doing this. I had to do a real crime
to get in here. A bad one. It’s all totally cool,
man. I know you had to go
full method on this one, which is why I wrote down
everything, put it in a letter
and mailed it to
my agent, Nate, okay? Now when someone gets
an actual letter in
the mail, they know it has to be
muy importante.
And unless there’s some
reason they can’t forward you your mail on a yacht
in the middle of
the Mediterranean, we will be fine. – ( shouting )
– Holy– I’ma whip your gills
and smoke that meat,
new fish! ( screaming ) That’s enough, Charles. Let’s go. Welcome to Hollywood Prison.
I’m Warden Laforze. We have one rule here, you treat me with respect,
and I’ll treat you
with respect. Respectfully,
not so sure about
these mattresses. This one’s all lumpy
and covered in stains that look like–
not to be gross, blood and semen.
I know it can’t be– That is blood
and that is semen. Enjoy your stay. You wouldn’t want to
trade bunks, would you? You seem more of a top,
I’m definitely a bottom. I need to find Tarantula and figure out what
happened to Pee-Wee. You gonna have to keep
your head down here. Remember this is a prison. We’re in prison, Ryan. Yeah, I know, but they
don’t have to treat us
like criminals. What are we doing?
Scanning the room? Doing a threat assessment? I’m on it. Not a threat, not a threat, gray area.
Not a threat. All clear. You wanna know what
the threat is? It’s right here,
it’s me. You keep on talking,
I’m gonna stab you
with this spork. ( laughing )
We are so Tango and Cash. Who do you think I am?
Tango or cash? On the one hand,
I love having fun, and I got a rock solid
head of hair, so that makes me Cash. On the other hand,
I do a wicked Stallone. ( Stallone impression )
And that makes me Tango,
so let’s dance. – Ryan.
– Hm? We’re in jail with a bunch
of murderers. You trying to get
murdered? Got it.
Blending in. – Blending in.
– Thank you. ( sharp exhale ) What is that? Nobu does take-out now.
I’m trying to bulk up. I hear the great one,
Michael B. Jordan orders the exact same thing. How’d you get that
past the guard? Mmm. you don’t want
to know. Let’s just say I did
a lot of research
on keistering. Also, a lot of keistering. Sorry I don’t have
much to share. You’re attracting attention.
Throw it away. And throw away
my miso black cod? That’s like
a capital offense. Oops, shouldn’t say that
around here. Oh, hey, guys. Uh, do you know a guy
named Tarantula? Sort of a big unstable
looking dude. Maybe, like, has a thing
for severed ears. Ryan.
That’s Tarantula. That is not Tarantula. That is definitely
a brown recluse tattoo. Brown recluse it the name
of the snitch that put me in here. Ah. Well, no offense,
it looked like a brown recluse. Whoop.
Oh, snap! You calling me a snitch? Do you wanna die,
Barbie? Uh, Vince, I can’t
help you now, kid. Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot
I need to earn your respect by beating up
the toughest guy in here Classic prison trope. So, who is he?
Let me at him. Ah! Man: Hey, yo! Break it up!
It’s the duck! The duck?
Is that the heavy? Sounds more like
the comic relief. And this prison
is so upside down. I mean, your name
is Tarantula, but you obviously
have a brown recluse
on your face. – Oh.
– ( prisoners chanting )
Go, go, go, go, go, go. Man: Let him go. Quack, quack, bitches. Wait, Duckie? I am so sorry,
Mr. The Duck, sir. Whoa, Jon Cryer. That’s right.
It’s me. Jon fucking Cryer. If you fuck with my boy,
Ryan Hansen, you fuck with me. This is the Dick Casablancas. Thank you. Dude built the CW. You think you’re getting
“Riverdale” without “V. Mars?” Ryan: That is true. Think again, motherfuckers. Oh, joyous day. The Dick and the Duck
in the same prison. Will you sign my chest
for me? Oh, yeah, man.
Hey, anything for a “fansen.” – This is fun.
– Ah. – All right, bud.
– Thank you. I’m gonna get
that tatted right over. Just like my James Corden. Look at that.
Well, it’s an honor, sir. Let’s talk somewhere
more private. Yes, please.
See ya, guys. – Bye.
– Bye, Ryan, have a good one! – Bye! We love you!
– Hey, you the man, Ryan! – So great.
– I love Ryan! No one can eavesdrop on us
in here? What? He said no one can
eavesdrop on us in here. Who? ( grunts ) Hey, are you in danger? Bitch, please. I’m Jon motherfucking Cryer. These fucks are stuck
in here with me. How’d you get to be
such a big shot in here? It’s Prison 101. My first day in,
I just marched up to the baddest
son of a bitch in the yard and beat the hell out
of Phil Spector. ( grunts ) I knew that was
a thing, nice. Since then I’ve had
a lot of sway. I’m the reason those
“Veronica Mars” DVDs
are in the library. Ah, that’s why Pee-Wee
had your poster up in his cell. You know, maybe prison
isn’t so bad after all. I mean, getting shived
isn’t ideal, but that happens every day
at the parking lot
of Whole Foods. The one in West Hollywood. Not that janky 365
in Silver Lake. They put a 365
in Silver Lake? The world’s changing, man. They added a lane
to the 405. I’m telling you,
if you ever get out you’re gonna wanna come
right back in. So you know anything
about that murder? Only that Tarantula
couldn’t have done it, because the night of,
I was punking his bitch ass out
in front of my whole set. Ryan: That’s a pretty
convincing alibi. If he didn’t do it,
who did? Listen, this assignment
you guys are taking on– Assignment?
I don’t– we’re criminals,
just like you. Vince called in
a fake bomb threat
on an Amtrak and I’m going a dime
for being too politically
influential, like Wesley Snipes. I know you’re undercover. It’s not because you’re
not an amazing actor/cop, but because you’re too
inherently likable. Thanks, Jon. That’s what
the focus group said too. Listen, can we get back
to the murder? I’m freezing my junk off
in here. This shower is pretty basic. And yeah, I’m talking about
the pH. The alkaline levels
are really drying out my skin. This ain’t the Ritz,
Ryan. Tell me about it,
it’s barely the Standard
downtown. Ryan’s right. They cut costs
however they can. This is a for-profit prison. What they don’t spend on us,
they keep for themselves. Guard:
Hey, Cryer, you in here? Before you find out
who killed Pee-Wee? You have to find out
who was killed. But we know who was killed. – You just said it was–
– Da, da, da, da. Everything you need to know
is on this drive. – Where’d you get that?
– Ah, ah! Guard: Let’s go, Cryer. – Hm.
– It looks like you ain’t
the only one who know how to keister. Ugh! God! What did he mean
who was killed? And what’s a
for-profit prison? This whole thing
is a riddle. It’s like that new
escape room downtown. Where’s the entrance?
Beats me. A for-profit prison is
a prison that makes money. Like any other business. And that’s legal? What you want me to
summarize a whole episode of “Frontline” for you?
Yes, it’s legal. Well, that explains the $15
permanent phone bank, and the fidget spinner
assembly line, and the old license plate
workshop. I guess everybody’s got
their eye on the bottom line. It’s like that first time
you meet your agent and you think you’re friends
and then all of a sudden,
you’re like, “Hey, where’d my friend go?
He forgot my birthday. And why is taking so much
money out of paycheck?” We gotta find out
what’s on this flash drive
that Cryer gave us. Yeah, but how do we get
access to that? It’s not like we can
just sneak into the library and use the computer,
can we? Or can we? I’m not actually sure. But I think if we can, they’d smash cut to us
in it. See, a total flip joke. The way that works is– Oh, man, I wish we smash cut
to a better library. I mean, are there even
any computers here? There’s one. Hey, yo, my man. I’ma need to get on
this computer. I’m binging on
“Veronica Mars,”
motherfucker. Interrupt me again,
I’m gonna rip your throat out
with my teeth. – Vince: What?
– Hey, let me give it a shot. Hey, bud, what’s your favorite
season of “Veronica Mars”? I think mine’s season three,
but I don’t know. ( chuckles )
Oh. – Ryan Hansen?
– Yeah. ( laughing ) Oh, shit.
In the flesh. What are you doing
in here, man? Is being incredibly talented
a crime now? ( laughs ) Nah, come on. Wow! Hey, uh, could I ask you
a question? Sure, Ryan Hansen.
Anything for you. Right. So what did you want
to ask me? Uh… what you drinking? – You want some?
– Sure, thank you. – Mmm.
– ( chuckles ) What is that, sangria? It tastes like fruit salad
or POM Wonderful. Either way, it’s delish. It’s Pruno.
Prison toilet wine. All you need is some
old grapes and a shit tone of urine. It’s pretty great. Anyway, I gotta
get back, make sure no one’s
on the computer, ’cause if there’s someone
on there, I’m gonna have to
murder them. Ah! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh! Can I please have
another sip? It’s just so flavorful. Of course. It’s my mom’s recipe. The good shit’s
at the bottom. ( chuckles ) – Uh-huh.
– Right? Holy shit. Oh, oh, oh!
What’s in there again? Is that urine, and also– Asparagus, drink up. Okay. White asparagus? It doesn’t matter,
the key thing is – it’s not fresh at all,
the mold adds complexity.
– Mm. – So, yum-yum.
– Prisoner: You gotta keep
going. Mm-hmm.
Mm. You probably tasting
the semen. ( retching ) Your saliva is sweet,
like butterscotch. Just like I knew
it would be, Ryan Hansen. Thank you so much. – Absolutely.
– Really. Let me watch you
walk away. Uh, oh, God.( music playing )Grab the ball! – So what’s on the drive?
– Prison records mostly. I’m starting to think that
we’re in a highly dangerous
situation here, Ryan. ( scoffs )
I don’t know, man, it’s like, ever since
Cryer got our back, everyone’s been a real doll. Especially The Doll. The serial killer who
sews his victims into dolls. Hey, Ryan, what size
women’s dress are you? – Like a six?
– Ugh, I wish! ( laughter ) Pee-Wee’s name does not
match his name on the prison file. The vic’s real name,
get this, is John Mackie. So, Pee-Wee was
a stage name? I mean was there
another more famous John Mackie when
he got here? ‘Cause the same thing
happened to me when I started acting. My real name…
Skeet Ulrich. It’s not a stage name. It’s the same name
that Jane Lynch gave us. He was L.A.P.D. undercover. Oh, we’re L.A.P.D. undercover. What a crazy coince. Guard over PA:
All inmates from Block C,
exit the yard,
return to your cells.
( buzzer buzzing )Wait. But if he
was murdered? Yeah. It’s still
a crazy coince, huh? The question is
what was he trying to find? Oh, man. I mean,
if something happens to us the L.A.P.D. is just gonna send
two more undercover cops to investigate, right? And then if something
happens to them, they’re gonna send
two more. It’s like how they keep
trying to reboot “Spider-Man.” – Where does it end?
– It ends here. The warden was the last one
to have access to the files, he’s the only one
who knew that Mackie
was a cop, which means Mackie knew
something that the Warden
didn’t want getting out. Probably that private
prison stuff, right? No, I told you already,
that is totally legal. Are you sure? – Not you two.
– What? I just had an interesting
conversation with Jon Cryer. Took a while to get it
out of him, but let’s just say
the duck quacked. You are not who you
say you are, are you? I don’t know
what you mean. I am a prisoner.
Doing prison things with my prison people. Prison. Vince:
And you call yourself
an actor. Well, you’ll have plenty
of time to work on
your craft in solitary confinement. Where you’ll be spending
the rest of your natural
lives. Take them to the hole. – Wait, what?
– Wait a minute. – No. Hey, I’m Ryan Hansen,
– Hey. Uh, I played Aaron, in
literally “Right Before Aaron.” I was the titular character. Right? Which is not
what you think it means. I gotta say, part of me
is hoping the hole is an amazing pop-up restaurant,
with an ironic name. But then part of me’s like,
what if the other part of me is being a little bit
of a Pollyanna here. They’re gonna kill us,
Ryan. – What?
– You don’t have to do this,
Warden. As far as we know,
Pee-Wee was just
another prisoner. But he was an undercover cop. I mean, that raises
all kinds of questions. Vince: None of which
we need the answer. Well, I got a few guesses. You skimming a little
off the top? Pushing that private
prison rack – a little too far?
– ( grunting ) What? I’m just saying. Mackie knew. That’s why
the Warden here had him
killed. Probably by some hopeless con
on death row with nothing to lose. Maybe paid in cigarettes,
or Pogs. Here’s the thing about
for-profit prisons, nobody cares. Nothing John Mackie
could find out was gonna change that. You weren’t silencing
a cop investigating
private prisons, you were silencing a cop
investigating private prisons who was actually investigating
L.A.P.D. Red, which you were a part of…
as a former cop yourself. Whoa! That’s pretty
confusing. I’m definitely gonna
need to comb through
the episode summary on Wikipedia. Excellent detective work,
though. You figured it out
just in time to die alone before sharing it
with anyone. What a shame.
( grunts ) ( screaming ) Ryan: Whoa! Huh! Uh, uh! Get in, get in.
Not you, Ryan. Get out. Get the key. Close the door.
Yeah, yeah. Let’s go, let’s go! ( groaning ) Ryan, are you sure
you sent that letter
to the agent. Yes, it’s not like
I forgot it on the dash of my Prius
next to my Clooney
bobble head. Oh, Ryan, that’s very
specific. I once sent Nate
a long email with
career concerns. and he emailed back,
“Yeah, big dog.” He gets it. You better call
that agent of yours. Yeah, yeah, totally totes. Call your agent! Well, I don’t want to
bother him. It’s after 10:00 AM
on a Friday. Upfronts are coming up,
or just happened? Do it! Fine. Okay, what’s the number
for Gersh. Is it 3-1-0 or 3-2-3? You don’t know your own
agent’s number? Well, it’s in my phone
under, “Remember, they work for you.” But don’t worry,
I can figure it out. I have pneumonic
to remember it. ♪ If it’s 3-2-3, my trainer
I need to see ♪ ♪ If it’s 3-1-0, you may have
an audition for a show ♪ It’s 3-1-0, yes! 3-1-0…( phone trilling )Hey, hey, what’s up, Bryce?
It’s Ryan. Hansen. Uh, is Nate around? It’s his assistant. Wait, this isn’t Bryce? Bryce left? Well, I thought he just
took over for Tanner. Wait, where did Bryce go? He’s a VP at Miramax? Wait, there’s still
a Miramax? Stop phone-fucking
some desk jockey and get the agent. Oh, Nate’s in a meeting? Hey, do you mind
breaking in? It’s kind of an emergency. Uh-huh. Oh. No, no.
I completely understand. Okay. Bye. ( sighs ) He’s in a meeting
with Ron Turturro. The Frank Stallone
of John Turturros. Gersh is partnering
with his new brand
of snack foods, Ron Chu-churros. He didn’t wanna be
interrupted. He’s happy to cash
the commission check, but he can’t be
bothered to pick up
the phone. You know what?
That call was
the last straw. Ryan over PA:
I’m tired of being
trapped in the system.
They act like they can do
whatever they want to me
and I just have to take it.My God, you sound
just like him.Have I made a few mistakes?
Have I done things
for money I’m not proud of?
Yeah, absolutely.But does that mean
they can treat me
like an animal?
No!It just makes me
want to get crazy, you know?
Yeah. Makes me want to get
crazy, too. Hey! What are you doing?
Get back to mopping. ( grunts ) Get back to work. – Huh?
– Come on, get back to mopping. ( grunting ) Ryan over PA:Now with these
packaging fees
and the production companies
they’re starting,
it’s a basic conflict
of interest.
We gotta tear
the whole thing down.
( chuckles ) Whoa. Oh, the microphone. Hey, is this thing on?
Hm. I’d like to thank
my fellow nominees, Sir Christopher Plummer, Martin Scorsese,
Cardi B. I know I’m the one
holding this Pulitzer, Over PA:…or, is it pronounced
Like Pepe Le Pew-litzer.I guess I’m not gonna
live long enough to find out.
Wow, this acceptance speech
took a real left turn, huh?
Now where was I?( dramatic music playing )( indistinct chatter ) ( cheering ) Gonna tear it all down, boys!
No more packaging fees! Ryan Hansen’s right!
Riot! Let’s go! Riot! – Oh, shit.
– You’re in for a world of hurt. The only awards you’ll be
getting are gonna be posthumous. – Still counts.
– Warden: Put him down! – Hold on, the thing is–
– What the hell is this? Hey! Get a hold of–
Get back to your cells! – Get back in your cells!
– ( inmates screaming ) – Yeah! Uh!
– Get back in your cells! I’ll put you all
in the hole. ( laughs ) Ryan, you started
a prison riot. They saved our lives. I told you they’re not
so bad, right? Let’s kill the guards
and make dolls out of
their body parts. We should probably call
for backup. Well, that’s one number
I know off the top of
my head. ( chuckles ) Both: 9-1-1. Right.( police radio chatter )Next time you go to jail,
it’ll be as a prisoner starting right back
at the bottom of the ladder. Do you think wardens
start out as prisoners? I… take him away, boys. L.A.P.D. Red is bigger than me. You have no idea
how far this goes. Well, how far does it go?
And where does it start? No, seriously, I’m confused
on this one. – Ugh.
– Jon Cryer: Guys. I think I can clear
some of this up. Jon Cryer, I thought
you were tortured for
information. Yeah, well, when you’ve done
12 seasons of “Two and a Half Men”
you can tolerate a little
waterboarding. – Whoa.
– Remember when things
were going crazy – during the riot.
– Ryan: Oh, boy, do I? – Vince: Mm-hmm.
– So I killed a guard
with some razor wire I was hiding inside myself. – Why did you–
– And I found this in his
personal safe. What is it? I don’t think L.A.P.D. Red
was trying to kill Mathers. I think they were
after you, Ry guy. Wait, me? – Oh.
– Vince: Oh, shit. What?
Who’s the shooter? Sorry, I didn’t see
a file called, “Huge season two spoilers.” Oh, my ride’s here.
Gotta go. Wait, you’re leaving? Oh, yeah, I furlough out
five days a week. I’m only here for weekends. I thought you got convicted
of multiple murders. Yeah, well, my agent
worked out a deal where freedom is
in first position, so I come and go as
I please. Wow, your agent seems
like a cool dude. Oh, he sure is. He got mean an audition
for that “Wakanda Forever”
thing. Wish me luck. Good luck, Jon Cryer. And your agent didn’t even
notice you were missing. Yeah. I shouldn’t have
got my hopes up, but… ( sighs ) Vince: What the fuck kind of
“Baby Driver” shit is this? My agent! I knew
he’d come for me. Nate, hey!
You read my letter. Of course. Well, the coverage
of it anyway. – Yeah.
– Double pass, BT dub. Some undercover project? How can I say this without
sounding like an a-hole? I don’t think it’s gonna
be great. Like Rotten Tomatoes
single dig’ not great. You should still do it
because you’re not in a position to turn
stuff down. But be prepared
for a total shit show. Hey, you know what?
It doesn’t matter. All that matters is
you came. Okay, babe, let’s jet. We’re due in Zihuatanejo
in 40 minutes and the 405 is slower
than my new assistant,
Derek. – ( laughs )
– We gotta go. Uh, Vince, you want
a ride? Nah, I’m good,
I’d rather walk. – Let’s go, baby.
– All right! We’ll miss you.
Whoo! Nate: Oh, did you hear
Max left Gersh and is directing the new
“Jurassic World” spin-off? He’s got chick dinosaurs
in it. Amazing story.
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah! Freedom!
( chuckles ) You know, like in “Braveheart.” Can we still reference that? I’m actually surprised
I didn’t see Mel in there. Well, you know,
give it time.( music playing )Five, six, seven. Go directly to jail.
Oh, bother.( audience laughter )( audience cheers
and applause )
Hey, hey. Hey. You’re home
early, honey. Oh, I was gone
for an entire week. Were you? Well, me and your
dads-slash-gaybors have just been lost
in this super-thrilling, high stakes game
of Monopoly. Oh, this game goes on
forever.( audience laughter )Well, if Monopoly jail
is anything like real jail, it must be pretty dope. I’m sorry, did you just
say jail is dope? Are you sure you’re not
on dope? And if you are,
can I have a hit? –( audience laughter )
– It’s legal now, isn’t it? Hey, jail is filled
with really nice people, and they’re all really
familiar with my IMDB page. – That’s odd.
– ( audience laughter ) Ryan: Hey,
I know what you’re thinking, but I wasn’t at some
ordinary prison. This was a private prison,
and it was lovely. There’s a real sense
of community. And they have an amazing
selection of DVD’s. Wife:
Ryan, private prisons
incentivize criminality. They routinely lobby
for stricter sentences for non-violent offenses. And they’ve even been
caught bribing local officials. ( sharp exhale ) They’re one of
the leading factors of mass incarceration
in America.( audience cheers
and applauds )
– What the what?
– Sorry, Ry-no, but your adventures
this week have been deeply
problematic. You’re really inviting
a lot of think pieces. Okay, but we were
in the showers and we didn’t even make
one of those jokes that you’re not
supposed to make. –( audience laughter )
– That doesn’t mean squat. Private prisons are not okay. Are you guys sure?
They’re totally legal. What’s legal isn’t always
what’s right. Yeah, in the July 2016 issue
of “Mother Jones,” said it increased
recidivism. Huh. Well, I had some
hairline recidivism once, but then I saw Pivens’ guy
and now I got more hair
than I know what to do with. –( audience laughter )
– Go ahead, give it a tug. Ow! Careful, some of that
is attached to my head. – ( laughter )
( audience laughter )( music playing )Who hates you enough
to want to kill you? I’m Donald motherfucking Faison. Ryan! I heard someone’s
trying to murder you. We’re doing it with
a very light touch. Hansen, you fucking
human whoopsie-daisy. S’up, Schwartz? You got the “Wakanda Forever”
choreography down yet?
‘Cause I do. ( rhythmically )
What, what, what, what,
what, what, what, what? It’s a lot of cameos, right? – You mean suspects?
– That’s what I said.( dramatic music playing )( train whistle blaring )Man:Your brains, madam.( man grunts )

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