Stephen Has A Prison Tip For Michael Cohen

Stephen Has A Prison Tip For Michael Cohen


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW.” I’M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THERE HAS BEEN, JUST TODAY,
ANOTHER BIG DECISION IN THE LANDMARK CASE OF “DONALD TRUMP
v. GETTIN’ CAUGHT,” BECAUSE THIS MORNING IN NEW YORK CITY? HERE IN NEW YORK CITY, FORMER
TRUMP LAWYER MICHAEL COHEN WAS SENTENCED TO THREE YEARS IN
PRISON. NOW–
( APPLAUSE )
JUSTICE? JUSTICE?>>Jon: YUP?>>Stephen: NOW, A LITTLE TIP
FOR MR. COHEN: IN FIRST DAY IN PRISON, WALK UP TO
THE BIGGEST GUY IN THE YARD AND PAY HIM $130,000. BOOM! BOOM!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BEFORE COHEN CLIMBED UP ON THE PRISON BUS, HE MADE SURE TO
THROW TRUMP UNDER IT, TELLING THE COURT, “RECENTLY THE
PRESIDENT TWEETED A STATEMENT CALLING ME ‘WEAK,’ AND IT WAS
CORRECT, BUT FOR A MUCH DIFFERENT REASON THAN HE WAS
IMPLYING. IT WAS BECAUSE TIME AND TIME
AGAIN, I FELT IT WAS MY DUTY TO COVER UP HIS DIRTY DEEDS.” AND EVIDENTLY, YOU SUCK AT IT.( LAUGHTER )
HERE’S THE THING–( APPLAUSE )
HERE’S THE THING– NOT GOOD AT IT. NOT GOOD AT IT. BUT ANYWAY, THERE YOU HAVE IT,
RIGHT THERE, FROM COHEN. TRUMP DID DIRTY DEEDS–
WHO I BELIEVE WAS STORMY DANIELS’ COSTAR.( LAUGHTER )
>>Jon: OH, SNAP.>>Stephen: STARRING DIRTY
DEEDS. NOW, COHEN BARED HIS TORTURED
SOUL, SAYING, “MY WEAKNESS CAN BE CHARACTERIZED AS A BLIND
LOYALTY TO DONALD TRUMP.” YES, HIS ONLY CRIME WAS BEING
LOYAL TO DONALD TRUMP, WHICH WE NOW KNOW IS A FELONY.( LAUGHTER )
COHEN WENT ON TO SAY IT WAS THAT SENSE OF LOYALTY “THAT LED ME TO
CHOOSE A PATH OF DARKNESS OVER LIGHT.” YES, HE CHOSE DARKNESS OVER
LIGHT. AND I BELIEVE WE HAVE FOOTAGE OF
THE MOMENT TRUMP HIRED HIM.>>JOIN ME, MICHAEL, AND PAY OFF
THE PORN STAR THAT SPANKED ME.>>Stephen: BUT COHEN, COHEN–
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
GOOD NEWS IS, COHEN ISN’T UNDER
TRUMP’S TEENY, TINY THUMB ANYMORE, TELLING THE COURT:
“THIS MAY SEEM HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT TODAY IS ONE OF THE MOST
MEANINGFUL DAYS OF MY LIFE. I HAVE BEEN LIVING IN A PERSONAL
AND MENTAL INCARCERATION EVER SINCE THE FATEFUL DAY THAT I
ACCEPTED THE OFFER TO WORK FOR A REAL ESTATE MOGUL WHOSE BUSINESS
ACUMEN THAT I DEEPLY ADMIRED.” OH, I THOUGHT YOU WORKED FOR
DONALD TRUMP. OH, OKAY! THAT’S– THAT’S WHAT YOU MEAN? I DIDN’T KNOW. I FIGURED– “MOGUL”– OKAY,
ADMIRED, OKAY, GREAT. BUTHAT’S HOW– THAT’S HOW BAD
WORKING FOR DONALD TRUMP IS. MICHAEL COHEN IS HAPPY TO TRADE
“METAPHOR JAIL” FOR JAIL.( LAUGHTER )
HE WENT ON RATHER POETICALLY, “THE IRONY IS TODAY IS THE DAY I
AM GETTING MY FREEDOM BACK.” ACTUALLY, THE IRONY IS THAT
WHILE YOU’RE IN PRISON FOR YOUR CRIMES, THE GUY WHO ORDERED YOU
TO DO THE CRIMS WILL BE AT MAR-A-LAGO SHARING CHOCOLATE
CAKE WITH XI JINPING AND KID ROCK. NOW, OF ALL THE SAD PICTURES
WE’VE SEEN OF MICHAEL COHEN DURING HIS SLOW DESCENT INTO
FINDING OUT WHAT THE LAW IS, NONE MAY BE SADDER THAN TODAY’S
COURTROOM SKETCH. THAT’S PRETTY BAD.>>Jon: WOW, THAT’S REALLY
SAD.>>Stephen: THAT’S PRETTY BAD. FOR REACTION, WE GO LIVE TO
COURTROOM TOM BRADY.( LAUGHTER )
COURTROOM TOM BRADY LOOKS LIKE HE DEFLATED HIS HEAD. EVEN MORE UNSETTLING–
WHO IS THAT SORROWFUL CREATURE HOVERING OVER MICHAEL COHEN’S
SHOULDER? WAS THE COURTROOM HAUNTED BY SAD
STEVEN TYLER?( LAUGHTER )
♪ DREAM ON DREAM ON YEAAAAH♪
DOWN IN WASHINGTON, THEY’RE STILL RECOVERING FROM
YESTERDAY’S OVAL OFFICE BATTLE ROYALE BETWEEN DONALD TRUMP,
CHUCK SCHUMER, NANCY PELOSI, AND THE CORPSE OF MIKE PENCE.( LAUGHTER )
HE LOOKS 47. THEY ICE HIM DOWN EVERY NIGHT,
YEAH. LIKE HE’S A SALMON. DONALD TRUMP IS TRYING TO PUT A
POSITIVE SPIN ON DONALD TRUMP’S PERFORMANCE, BUT ONE PERSON’S
NOT BUYING THAT: THAT’S DONALD TRUMP. BECAUSE ACCORDING TO WITNESSES,
TRUMP “STORMED OUT OF THE OVAL, HAD IN HIS HAND A FOLDER OF
BRIEFING PAPERS, AND THREW THEM ACROSS THE ROOM.” OH, NO! NOW HOW IS HE GOING TO NOT READ
HIS BRIEFING? WITNESSES SAY THAT TRUMP WAS
MAINLY FRUSTRATED WITH CHUCK SCHUMER, SAYING THAT “HIS OLD
NEW YORK SPARRING BUDDY HE FELT GOT THE BETTER OF HIM. GOADED HIM INTO IT.”( AS TRUMP )
“CHUCK GOT ME THIS TIME USING MY OWN PERSONAL KRYPTONITE: OPENING
MY MOUTH.”( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )
YOU SAID– LOOK, THIS IS HOW IT
WENT DOWN. THIS IS THE “ART OF THE DEAL”
GUY, RIGHT? THIS IS MR. ART OF THE DEAL. TRUMP SAID, “CHUCK, ULTIMATE TO
SHUT DOWNTOWN GOVERNMENT.” SURELY SAID, “NO, SIR, YOU WANT
TO SHUT DOWNTOWN GOVERNMENT.” THEN YOU SAID, “YES, I DO. CHECKMATE.” I’VE ONLY SEEN NEGOTIATING THAT
GOOD ONE TIME BEFORE:>>RABBIT SEASON!>>DUCK SEASON!>>RABBIT SEASON!>>RABBIT SEASON!>>DUCK SEASON! FIRE!( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: CAN’T GO WRONG. CAN’T GO WRONG. CAN’T GO WRONG. WHAT A MOROON. AND THAT’S NOT ALL. YESTERDAY, NANCY PELOSI TOLD
DEMOCRATS THAT, IN PRIVATE, TRUMP ONCE AGAIN CLAIMED,
“MEXICO IS GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL.” THE MAN LIVES IN A FANTASY
WORLD.( AS TRUMP )
“LOOK, MEXICO’S GOING TO PAY FOR THE WALL, AND IT’S GOING TO BE
MADE OF ICE. AND WE’RE GOING TO HAVE DRAGONS. THEN ON THE NEXT SEASON OF ‘GAME
OF THRONES’ I AM KHALEESI’S SEX BUTLER.

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About the Author: Sam Caldwell

100 Comments

  1. Sex Butler. I'm sorta rolling that phrase around.. I'm thinking, "nope".

    but I can see pence as a white Walker(Colbert also?).

  2. I am not a Trump fan but you guys keep trying to make a big thing of Trump having sex with a porn star and yet you for get that his present wife used to be a porn start too. Not many guys would own up to being married to someone that probably had dozens of men all at the same time yet Trump has.

  3. Got a "TIP" for Coldbeer the dog turd-Hitting the nail on the head with out being a "one trick pony" armed with a just a hammer (everything IS a nail) Trump calls out Liberalism for the mental illness that drives it. The difference between a person's believes and nature is a measure of mental illness and Savage displays how Liberalism is based on that nonsensical difference.

  4. Not so funny… Truth seems more laughable… Maybe time for another trip to Russia to spend more money in Putin’s economy!

  5. 0:25 listen to the band play the opening 2 notes of Elvis "Jailhouse Rock" after Stephen talks about Cohen going to jail haha

  6. "Covering up dirty deeds" ? Sounds like both a figurative & literal description of picking up Trumps poopies. 😂😅😂

  7. great right up until the Game of Thrones reference. Khaleesi is a title, roughly translates to "queen". her name is Daenerys Targaryen

  8. Anyone remember when this guy was funny? No, me neither.
    What’s he going to do for material when Trump is no longer President? Oh wait, that’s six years away yet. See you guys again in 2020. GO TRUMP!

  9. Hey Steven, where's your buddy Michael Avenatti..,You've been crickets on him..3 months ago you were blowing horns with him???Maybe he's in Russia…hahahahah

  10. Laughed so hard one of my kidney's shot out of my ass !!!!   Whoever it was that put together the "Sorrowful Creature/Sad Steve Tyler " image should get a frickn' Emmy !!! Genius  lol

  11. Are we all supposed to feel sorry for Cohen now? Really? The man spent his career making a fortune off of licking a scumbag millionaire's boots, got caught years too late, got sentenced to a measly 3 years in prison for multiple felony charges, and now SUDDENLY, he sees the error of his ways?

    He's not sorry he did wrong. He's sorry he got caught. He would have gladly spent the rest of his years being Trump's "fixer", without so much as a second thought about how he chose to spend his life.

  12. I tell you, Pence is, in most ways, even more dangerous than Trump. We see him sitting, silently, by Trump, VISIBLY biding his time…It's worse than creepy; it's downright sinister.
    We MUST get rid of Pence before he morphs into torquemada, in charge of the revitalized auto da fe. As president, the first thing he'd do is make his false Christian religion control every little thing in America, with no recourse. He is the very face of the New Inquisition. Last time it lasted about 1000 years, and this time, it could easily be a lot more.
    Well, there's hope. Humanity could easily go extinct before that.

  13. Is James Comey still crying about loosing his job??? Damn! Poor guy! I bet you this was the first time he was every fired in his life. I bet you being the head of the FBI and now out of work has filled him with hate for President Trump. Well, this is a time of forgiving, so Happy Christmas to Comey and his wife. And Merry Christmas to all of you!

  14. Let's think for a moment?  In prison, the RULE OF LAW states, "snitches get stitches," and snitches are right there with child molesters and pedophiles, so Cohen might not make it out of his cage in Otisville, ever… Priceless!

  15. "The corpse of Mike Pence" – this is one of the funniest lines, in the context of the clip, that there is on YouTube. Absolutely perfectly timed and coming so quickly after, "who is this sorrowful creature?" gag – kills me dead, every single time. What a monologue clip! Intense.

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